2001-05-08 | 7:25 p.m.

"You're not happy with the way I act

You better turn around boy, don't look back

You're getting angry, you know I can see

You're just jealous 'cause you can't be me."

~ Madonna, 'Gambler'

I'm amazed. It's strange how things can so subtly shift. That I don't even perceive the change, until it's already taken over. That's how I feel now. Because change is not only taking over my life, but its binding me to new places and faces. I�m conquering things I never had before. And I don�t think I even sensed it until, boom, there it is. But somehow it seems to be appropriate for now. The fact that nothing makes sense, and yet it does. That I'm plunging myself into places I would never do so in the past. And I'm becoming more and more independent. It's such a refreshing thing to feel. To know that yes you have things in your life that you can give or take and you will feel fine with or without them. It's always a great feeling when your moving on, rocking your own ships, and swimming in your own damn oceans.

I'm going to find a place to volunteer somewhere. I'm going to make a difference instead of talking about it. I'm going to stop hanging out with people I shouldn't. I'm going to realize that those people are luggage - that they NEED me instead of the other way around. And I'm going to realize who's who. I've so been in denial with shady people. And so for now I�m not going to analyze anything or dramatize anymore or even criticize anything. I�m just going to go with the flow - MY flow. Wait that sounds disgusting. What I mean is that I'm going to do this. Really. I'm going to stop pissing and moaning and make my circles, and make sure that the seeds are planted so that later on they can be sewn. And I can thank Partygirl for infusing some instruction in my whacked out structure. She;s wiser you see. She knows the dealio, and she's not afraid to tell me. (Have I mentioned hwo happy I am she's on my side).

Yeah things are changing, and circles will begin to spin.

My cousin wants me to come to my other cousin's wedding. I really want to. But it would feel like such a tease. To be there for like 3 days and then have to hurry home before the beginning of the week. And yes I want to see him get married. I want to see him in his tux with that smile. And I want to beam at the fact that it's my only boy cousin and he's hooking up forever. I do. Really. I do. I just don't feel like whizzing by it all. I want to have time to spend quality time with my grandmother. Kiss her and cuddle with her. Play with my nephew and niece. Say hello to people I know. Have my oldest cousin lie in bed with me and have the slumber parties I used to wish we had. But have her there and knowing that my blood is her blood and that the same ache I feel without her by my side is felt within her heart. Have my other cousin tease me about all the calories I'm eating. Motivate me to walk or run or do anything with her because she loves me unconditionally like I do her.

See it would be a tease. I hate teases. You can look but you can't touch. And as much as I want it I don;t know if I could stand it. Although it might happen. If I have enough air miles it might happen. After all I can't blame myself if I really want that all even if it's in smaller increments. So I'll see. Besides it would be good to go back home. After all I'm a carioca da gema.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t