2001-05-09 | 11:08 p.m.

OK see my brain can't take this shit.

I can't take this all in my face. Maybe it would just be easier to have been in denial? I don't know anymore. I just know that I have way too much in my head. And for someone who didn't want to think anymore this is just ridiculous. But see it really wasn't my fault. People say things and they become seeds within my mind that eventually do sprout. And they do. And usually its so slow but wow, these lately have just been popping up like crazy.

And I have to remind myself of the girl. The girl who I seldom see but when I do, I see in increments. I look at her like this kid. Like she has to show me all these things. And sometimes she does and sometimes she just picks me up and twirls me around and around and tells me to close my eyes and upon opening them everything will be better. Except reality check - it isn't. And no amount of smiles and kind words spoken to me can allow me to see things clearly. And if its true that on a clear day you can see forever why can't my clear days come soon?

I can't itemize things people say anymore. One says one thing, the other says another. This is a tough situation to be in. This is why I was a loner in high school (granted I was also always the new kid who got bullied but that's beside the point). The truth of the matter is that without thinking I allowed people into my heart. I opened up the gates and simply let them stroll in. What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean I can remember a time in my life when I had a bouncer at my door and no one could get in. And if someone managed to climb over the first wall they were either shot at or were given a severe warning. And usually people left and never came back.

And life was so much easier. It was easy not expecting anything and knowing that was what I was getting. And now this. This huge mass. Like a cancer rotting in my brain. Scraping out every goddamn right thought I have and only allowing the wrongs to crawl inside and take shelter. Who am I now? And what the fuck am I doing? I can't play like this. I can't be or say or think anymore. I just need a quiet dark corner and no capacity to think what so ever. I need to say and think about e and not about them or what they say. because I, me, myself. Me. I'm fucking important and I used to know this but apparently my backbone slithers away every time I am faced with things I shouldn't need to. Seriously why is everything becoming so twisted when it seemed so simple before?

Maybe going to Brasil will help me sort out this mess. I need to get my head screwed on straight and maybe by leaving New York City I can come back with a different view of everything. And I need to go home. I need to be with something different so that when I can come back to what I know I can know the decisions I'm supposed to make. Or at least maybe take a few steps in the right direction. Because for the time being nothing is clear. Everything is opaque and I need to re-fresh. Re group. I need to step away to look at everything in a different new light. Everyone's perspective is thrown in the mix and the only thing that's important is mine. And I need to know what I should want to keep or let go. So yeah. Maybe Brasil is the answer. Either way I'm going.

I'm not going to get bent out of shape about this all. I have to make myself happy. That's what's the key to this all. And what might make me happy will make someone else miserable. It depends and I'm not going to let someone dictate me on this path. This is my life. My roads. My oceans. This is me.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t