2001-05-17 | 7:01 p.m.

I'm trying to be good but I'm raw.

I've been wrong and I apologized and apparently that doesn't help because getting anything back to good is going to apparently harm him in some form or another. Too much damn pride on his part and on mine is what's wrong. Or maybe it's too hard when you think no one is allowed to see the real you so when someone questions you for one brief moment you can't deal, you get confused and you lash out to the one person who happens to be a hell of a lot more confused than you are.

So now I guess I paid my price. I'm feeling shitty because honesty was never meant to play a part in this circle and I was wrong to have believed that I could use it in any form. So now, I have to look the other way and not pretend I still don't care. Or still don't miss. Or secretly want the friendship I can't have because obviously it means jack shit to him. Because you know this was one of the only few things I had that was left that was precious. And then I questioned it. And it has puckered up and turned sour and broken. And as much as I wish I could regress time and just wish it all away I can't. I don't want to give up but I fear I'm going to have to.

I've apologized,. I've accepted my mistakes, asked for forgiveness and stated how I felt when things started to turn weird and why I said and maybe why I acted and nothing has come back. And you don't just not reply when shit like this goes down. You may not want to deal with it at the current time but at least have the decency to realize when someone is offering their head served on the damn platter because of their wrong doings. But I don't think decency comes to matter anymore. More like its just tragic now.

I lost this friendship and I want it back because it has way too many levels to it. And I cared for it and cherished it and love it and want it to heal. I want to mend what we both had. Because it was a good friendship. And suddenly now I feel like C.C. Bloom. Hillary having ripped the friendship away from me. And hurting and wanting to mend it. And everyone can see this. They see me and they know something's wrong and yet I hold myself closer and whisper don't give in. Because if I give in then they win. And so people who love me look at me and wonder. And ask. And I brush everyone away. Because I don't want to give up what I had. I won't. And so I want Hillary to come back. I want her to realize I am hurting and I want our friendship back. I want Hillary to know that I love and care for her and want nothing but the best for her and I won't question it anymore. Because our friendship isn't meant to be questioned. It's supposed to be taken and accepted and cared for. Roots spread in every direction and not having me chop them away because I was frail for one brief moment. And I hope to god that I can get it back. Not because I want it, but because I need it. I really need it.

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to not have this friendship in my life. I want to have it blooming and knowing that humans can make mistakes but that we can all grow and learn and we have to accept.

This C.C. Bloom wants her Hillary back.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t