2001-06-02 | 12:35 p.m.

"Don't you know who you are?"

No I'm not Peter Pan. But I'll give you a tip - I am a child at heart. At the tender age of 25 come June 14th. (This means prezzies people!)

It's amazing that I can be transformed into a trance like state at the mere enjoyment of one small thing. And after all these years I'm shocked that I'm not in pain anymore. Mentally I'm not in pain. I've given it all up. I'm taking it a day at a time and expecting nothing but the best and always hoping for the best and if the worst happens its not because its MY fault but because it was meant to happen and I have to work with it. And if that means I have to do things that I may not enjoy doing then I will do them. Because I know I may hate doing them now I know that eventually they will make me even more better and stronger and happier.

I was at the candle store yesterday across the street from work with my wonderful boss and we oohed and ahhed at candles. I purchased 2 candles. Both smelling absolutely delicious. Not floral or fruity. But musky. The smell of tranquility I think. Or at least that's what I could imagine tranquility would smell like.

So I passed by a section of the candle store and my fingers brushed the dark metal figure. A religious form. Buddha. But just the face. And somehow as my fingers kept smoothing over the face I had this intense feeling.

I can achieve peace and tranquility. I can have that and so much more if I stay focused on what I want exactly. And if my focus is to experience then I should. Because there's always going to be a great amount of insight and intelligence to be learned in all things. I have to keep reminding myself that I need to keep my mind open to the lessons life gives me and not be so scared at the mere thought of all those what ifs. And I know that my biggest scare was what if there was only one choice in my life and that all the other ones that I may take were wrong? That if I didn't pay attention to signs along the way I would be screwed because heaven forbid then everything would turn to shit, including me. But how silly is that to believe? I mean being so afraid like that. And so I now realize that all my choices thus far have lead me here. Have made me be the woman who I am becoming. And I love that. So today I brushed my fingers one last time on the figure's smile and I promised myself that I would purchase it when I get my paycheck. And I will. Because why would I ever want to stay still? When there is so much out there. And hey I wouldn't know what I'd missing if I did.

And now on a totally funny sidebar my porn star name is: Lolita Lustley. And if I were a porn star I'd like that name. Really. I think it's nice enough to be just a smidgen over trashy. Of course it's got bimbo written all over that but then if I were a porn star I don't think I'd really care what other people thought of me, now would I?!

I really love the I'm Like a Bird song. I just feel it in my bones. I don't know how to explain it. It just makes me smile and feel oh so good. I haven't listened to anything else by Nelly but I'm thinking it's got to be as intriguing as this song.

I need to get going. I have a lot of things to do today and none of them are going to get done if I sit here all day and play online.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t