2001-06-03 | 12:58 p.m.

Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving when sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl...interrupted."

~ Susanna, 'Girl, Interrupted'

I used to think that I was Susanna in Girl Interrupted. But truth of the matter is that anyone can be Susanna if they are placed in the same situations. I don't necessarily have to chase a bottle of aspirin down with a bottle of vodka. My attempts at whatever I thought would save me were through steel blades cutting through milky skin. But I learnt through myself that it wasn't enough for me to want it. But I had to do it. I had to get it. I had to kick my ass and make sure that what I was seeing was a fog and not the real thing.

"When you don't want to feel, death may seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous."

~ Susanna, 'Girl Interrupted'

That the trance I was in was because my melancholy was not letting me see the true light. The sparkle that shone in my eyes when I aimed and fired for something I wanted. And though time has passed and my moods have been swallowed up by the light I can understand the movie still. While watching it, laying on bed. I cried the same tears. Because I knew the feeling. I went through them all. I was just never caged in a cell made of crazy people. I was caged in a cell made out of one sole lunatic who still resides in me. Except see I have this net within me. When I get very crazy I know how to throw the net out and grab my insanity and pull it within. I have the power now to stop all the madness I feel storming within me when the lightening strikes. And somehow everything is alright. Because I know I am taking steps. They might be baby steps but I am taking steps none the less into what I should be and want to be. And so maybe this is why I feel more consistent. I feel like I have more power and not so vulnerable and just willing to jump when before I wanted to crawl into a hole. Because I'm finally free.

"Your wildness scares me, so does your freedom"

~ No Doubt, 'Ex-Girlfriend'

Talking about freedom. Girl it all comes down to respect. Your smart enough. Witty enough. Gorgeous enough to know that your a diamond. And if you aren't getting the attention and respect then break it off! But you know this. Just as much as you know I think you rock. (And you do.)

It's funny people are all different but I think it all comes down to one thing. We want to be loved. And people who say they don't care are just all full of shit. They do care. Deep inside of them they do. And its not like they search for their spotlight specifically. It's more like they want some sunshine too. And I think everyone should get the love. Because it's good to feel loved. It's nice to know you have the support of friends or family or companions. And so I really hope people start feeling the love and respect more. Because I am and its amazing how strong you feel, how it can enrich your life even more so.

I sound like a friggen Hallmark commercial!

Such is life, such is mango...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t