2001-06-06 | 10:22 p.m.

It always happens just before my birthday. It can be a few days or even a few weeks before. But it always happens. I get this thing in my head. Like I should pay attention to it. Like I should focus on the fact that I'm growing older and what have I learned from this whole year? Because if I can't look back to my year and see the positive and the negative then really it was an uneventful year to begin with. Pathetic one to say the least. And this year. This year I think

I've grown. Yeah there's some few issues still hiding within me but I think I'm starting to unfold like a flower, or at least I'm trying to.

Why bother chasing what I can't see? That's what comes to my mind when men are concerned. Only because I have stopped seeking for the companion, the love of my life. I think I haven't given hope just yet on the soul mate issue but I'm hoping that I won't get proved wrong. It would be a shame to not believe in that.

I'm maintaining myself when it comes to work. I would really rather have a PR job but for the time being working at this studio is paying my bills so I shouldn't complain. What I'm thinking of doing is after I get all my stuff taken care off I will jump off the ship and swim in choppy waters. I think a trip back to London is necessary for me to start using the reigns on my wild horses. I need to latch back onto what I really loved and I think if I can't find it there then I won't find it anywhere.

Emotionally I think I'm doing better. I'm not roller coaster girl. I've grown to understand the things people say don't necessarily mean what they do. That I can't free fall into people because they won't catch me. And that's ok. It hurt to acknowledge that in the beginning but I've grown accustomed to my life and how I want my life to be. And that means following my own foot steps and no one else's.

Physically - I still have a lot of work to do. I'd much rather never lift a finger but I'm come to the

conclusion that it's not the healthiest thing to do. So I'm taking it a day at a time and not forcing

myself to look like Gisele just because she's another Brazilian woman. I can eat. I can drink. But that also means I have to use moderation and balance. Therefore exercise is necessary. (I hate those words but they ring true to my ears.)

What I've been doing is basically taking it a day at a time. I know what I have to do and I know that sometimes it seems impossible but its not. It's just hard because I have obstacles in my way. But I can walk around them or push them away from me. Baby steps. I can do it. (I sound like a damn Nike commercial.) But its ok for me to cry. It's ok for me to laugh. I'm doing it my way, and it will all be sorted out eventually and that's what matters!

But here's the dealio. There's something inside of me. Something that knows all of this and despite it all still sees some shadows. And my net is out there so that the madness can't take leaps and bounds. But still. There's something there. There's this knowledge that even though every thing is peachy fucking keen in Joana land there is this hole. And sure it's covered with a rug or bamboo sticks. A fair attempt in trying to convince myself that the hole isn't there to begin with. But I know I'm not ready to do this. To be this cool with everything. I mean to me the insistence in my brain is justified because it makes me feel safe to think and see so much. It makes me feel like I've got a better grasp on what usually I have no sense of.

Talking about sense this makes none...

It's just that. I can't maintain very well when I know I have this. And it's easy to hide all of this. Easier playing happy than confused and wanting to either dig up more of this hole or pour concrete into it. In the mean time I am doing things and saying things and being places. Because I think that if I can keep moving about things won't stick to the hole therefore they won't be able to squish around in there.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t