2001-06-23 | 12:57 p.m.

While this way of thinking might of made me think I was giving up in the past, yesterday and now I'm just like, "buh-bye". Last time I looked in the mirror I didn't look like a fool. And I'm not. So if people are trying to play me for one then I feel sorry for them. Because it comes down to one thing only. Can they do anything for me? Can they bring me anything but frustration and annoyance and hurt and well frankly stupid bullshit? If that's the case then I don't want them. I don't need them! I won't take chances on anyone anymore. Not worth my time.

Yesterday, in someone's small anal voice over the phone trying to yammer on about the importance of how kwazyboy was hurt and how he along with kwazyboy felt I disrespected them in some way I just smiled. Smiled at the fact that I don't care anymore.

Had it been a year I would be begging with this person. Almost in tears. Pleading them for some sort of mercy. Today I laughed. I punched the off button on the cute red phone and laughed. I'm talking tossing my head back and laughing here people. The absurdity of it all. The whole drama with the people who always tell themselves that I'M the drama queen. It was just hysterical. It was at that exact moment that I knew that I didn't care. That they could say or think or do whatever. Because I was over them.

I am over the whole situation. And this to me is just sheer genius. It took me over a year to finally discover this. To look at them all and smile and say "sure, fine, whatever." They are not keeping me anymore. I am finally free. And somehow it all fits now. Really. It's like the key has opened the door that opened the maze into clear skies and open fields. It's an amazing feeling. To know that no one can effect you like they had previously done. It's genius I tell you. Genius!

Also why would I ever apologize for being myself? I mean I'm honest and open and frankly if you can't be that to yourself how can you be that to anyone else around in your life?! So I feel good. Plus add the fact that the million and one times that kwazyboy along with a few others were disrespectful to me and I didn't do a damn thing. It just makes me laugh now. Because I feel really good. They can just kiss it. Because really never again.

And the funniest thing was that I received emails from the other who was all pissy and went off again and I couldn't help but belly laugh again. Their voices of reasoning are so warped that I'm like 'sure, fine, whatever'. It's funny how I thought if I just tried to play nice and be able to mix in their crowds I would feel better. But truthfully I don't. It's easier not dealing with the bullshit rather than having to listen to theirs. And like this boy pointed out that yes I did call them. I called them because I thought I didn't want to burn bridges. But I'm thinking let the bridges burn baby, because they are all just crazy and I don't need that kind in my life. I hope they all do what they want to do and become very happy with themselves because I only wish the best for the lunatics. But to each their own. And it's time to erase them from the past. Seriously they taught me something I won't ever be able to forget. Something I won't ever repeat.

My cousin is here. Well technically she's more like my older sister really. She's here till Saturday. Which is too short a visit for my taste. But a) she came here on a business trip, and b) she is actually staying a day longer than she should because she missed us all so much and wanted to chill out one more day in this city of ours. (Who can blame her though?!)

So Thursday she comes over after she finished her work. I got home a little later than she did only because I stopped at a shoe store near my house and bought 3 pairs of shoes for $30! (Did I mention they were $30 for 3, dare I say 3 pairs of shoes?) And I'm not talking crappy shoes here people. I'm talking about Doc Martens and the like. I was very impressed and happily toted them back home. So getting home I was completely shocked to see the cousin there. This is because I was only expecting her on the last day of her visit like last time. But I was all happy and excited and jumped up and down a few times even. (Didn't I mention she's like my older sister people? Get with the program!)

So we all go eat out. Well not all of us since my brother is out with a "friend" (read here..some sort of sushi undergraduate girl). But it was fun. I picked a Chinese restaurant near home. The food as usual was good. What was funny is the fact that while we were all having a conversation I could hear strains of a song playing at the restaurant. I stopped listening to my parents and I heard Evita, or what was the soundtrack to the movie playing. I found it amusing. Seriously we were sitting in a Chinese restaurant and we were listening to Evita! It was just odd and off and yet remotely funny.

Carrying on...

Stuffed and smiling we left the establishment and walked my cousin back to her hotel. Nice night and it was good to exercise the food off- or well partially off. Came home and crashed because I was exhausted! I felt like my feet had blown up like some sort of cartoonish figure. And it always happens. Its the heat.

Friday came and went like a long hot hand pressing down on me. I tried to free myself but it was no use. Exhausted I stumbled home. After a power nap I took a shower and slipped on my new sandals and painted the town red, pink, and every damn color of the rainbow with my cousin. It was so very nice. We sat in dim bars and talked our little hearts out. I felt the love. You know the love that just radiates off of her into me. Because I know she's proud of me for me and she sees me and sees so much more and makes me push harder for it. It was just a great night. We talked. We drank. We flirted with boys who thought they were men. It was just nice and it's a sign summer is here. It's hot, people are wearing less and all of a sudden I'm all about smiling and going out and sitting outside and having that cold glass of wine and letting it flow.

Tonight I have a party to go to which should be fun. Good music, open bar, fashionista crowd to make fun of - what's not to like?! I always find it amusing to go to these parties because they are all little kids in their heads. They throw money back and forth but when it comes down to it they really like to fuck up their lives even more. Which I guess everybody does in some measure, but it's just funny. They name drop, they star fuck because they can, they have that power. But at the end of the day I know I will come home and laugh. Because I will thank my lucky stars I'm not like that. You live and you learn.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t