2001-06-28 | 6:46 p.m.

I am doing this. And I don't care what happens along my way. Because what's right for me may not be right for anyone else. And I'd much rather be happy than have someone else be happy for me.

Instant gratification baby.

That's what it's all about. Perhaps that's why I won't live for anyone else anymore. Because life is much better once stress is gone. When the things that sucked you dry are kicked so far away from you that you'd need a telescope to try and find them again. That and all of a sudden your rejuvenated into this human being that is so far from what you once were that your shocked you became so sad and pathetic. Shocked that you let someone else's game haze your focus. Haze it to a point you pushed and pulled at situations to try to see things clearly. But what's most shocking now is that you realize how little they are in your life. How little you think it will also take to process them all out.

Rinse, repeat. They're gone.

Spending time with someone makes you realize how you have to accept their flaws and beauties. But what happens if their flaws are so awful you can't even see yourself straight in the mirror anymore? They suck you into something you'd thought you never were. And truthfully you aren't. So you step away and realize how silly it all was. How unfortunate of them to have fucked you over like that because now you have it and all you depend on is you. And all you care about it you. And what may seem shitty, really isn't. It's survival. And only the strong survive. And hey it's taken a while for me to get where I'm at. So I'm going to stay here for a while.

I've decided that my quasi-cube at work needs some "me" in it. Because it looks so terribly boring as if now. After having dispensed of the items kwazyboy once gave me (I really couldn't keep them on my desk at work), I have decided that what I need to tack up on my corkboard is a couple of Polaroid's. And I'm not talking 'people' Polaroid's. I'm talking strange one's that people really have no clue as in to what they may be. Person? Thing? Sky? What? What? What? Always amuse and bemuse is the goal.

I have to thank one co-worker for giving me a goldfish. It resides on top of my monitor, looking back at me. It's a rather bittersweet story. We have a goldfish at work and apparently 3 had a suicide pact leaving only one to remain. And bosslady and I always end up calling it a different name. Maybe we just want to keep it bemused at our actions, maybe we just have no clue what to name it now.

(Hi...point of the story where are you?...aha!)

So...a co-worker gave it to me letting me know that this goldfish was the one I could never kill, no matter what. (Not that I killed the others.) But I bet you anything that the goldfish she gave me could be destroyed in a microwave. Melt the sucker right down.

So yeah...little mission is at hand.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t