2001-06-29 | 11:29 a.m.

Truth of the matter is this. I apologized because even though I had previously stated that I didn't care. I do. And while I'm all for being bitchy and 'Karen' like I have to admit when I'm wrong. And I was. I hurt people's feelings. And while they have all hurt mine at one point or another I never intentionally tried to hurt theirs.

That's my mom right there. Always making me the polite woman. Always knowing when I'm wrong and making sure I do something about it.

The fact that they might have hurt me at one point doesn't mean that I have to hurt them back. Doesn't mean I have to say rude things. Because maybe I did do that. Maybe I wanted to fight back and in that childish way I also screwed myself over. Of course if there is a next time around if sparks fly and abrasions begin I have to be the first one to stop and say stop it. And not let it keep rubbing me the wrong way until I explode and turn into this nasty bitchy girl.

Because I don't like being this girl no matter how many people egg me on to become her. I don't like being mean. It's not in my nature. What is in my nature is to settle things. To not have anybody hateing me. To be good and kind and not as I stated before turn into a wicked wench. Hopefully I've learned my lesson. Well I'm pretty sure I have. And if things flow back to the way they might have been then good. If not then it's just another thing. Like my Brazilian older sister say's time and time again. You live and you learn.

And last night as I came to this conclusion I also reailzed this. It doesn't matter who you choose to be. What you do or say. All that matters is if your good to everyone. What matters is if you have a heart and you care and look out for the one's you care about. It's not how you look, or what your actions say on certain nights. You take the good with the bad. And I should know that by now. Living in this Fellini family that I have, I should know this by now. And I think it's finally settled within me.

You take the good. You take the bad, and YOU don't have to change because of others. You transform yourself into anyway YOU want to. Not what OTHERS want you to be. Yeah. That's that in a nutshell. No one can say or do anything to you that you don't want them to. So if one person is like that it doesn't mean that you have to follow. It doesn't mean you can't be you. And it might not mean anything. Just because something isn't disclosed doesn't mean its not honest. What everybody does is what everybody does. What I do is what I do. Boundaries. Lines. Squares. Circles. Ships. Whatever you want to call it. This is me. That's them. And I draw from my own karma. Not from others.

I had this conversation last night, before going to bed with a very good friend of mine. She is currently in LA doing what she has to do and she told me somthing very important. I constantly try o give to others. I constantly try to make everyone love me. But the truth of the matter is that if I can't love me then who can? And now that I've settled into this wave of admiration for myself I have to go with my flow. She said I have a big heart and that sometimes I tend to give it away at a moments notice. That the most important thing for me to do now is to make sure to know who to give it to and tonot give it completely. Because I have to live to. And for all those people that I've given my heart to, well what have they done with it? Nothing.

Which is dead on. Apart from her and family members most either threw it away or stepped all over it. And so i've concluded that I don't and won't give myself away like this all the time. The key is to be reserved. Reserved with my time and know that whatever happens I should flow with and if I don't like something I can open my mouth and speak about it without getting my mouth slapped closed. And I love her for telling me all of this. We hardly talk but when we do she lays it on me and she knows the real deal. And I'm glad I have her bursts into my life. Because it makes me realize what friends can do in your life. they don't need to take energy from you. They give it back to you in strange ways.

So yeah that's that in a nutshell. And I'm glad. Glad to know what's what. Because now I do. And finally the heartisn't heavy anymore. Finally the sun is on my face and it's warm and I can smile about it. Finally.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t