2001-07-02 | 8:50 a.m.

What concern's me is that I am becoming someone else's material. I have to live. And I have to let the chips fall where they may. I can't be worried about stuff anymore. I can't stress about the menial things in life. Who gives a shit? Is anyone watching? No.

I don't want the things I own end up owning me. This is probably why I've been giving out a lot of my junk. Friends. Donations. Whatever I don't use on a daily basis I don't want. And yes I might buy 2 pairs of shoes like I did this past week. But if I don't use those shoes in the next 2 weeks I will be handing them over. Passing it along. The more I give, I think the more I get back. And the more I'll probably share. Besides what's the use of keeping something I won't end up using? And no doubt it will probably bring joy to others that chance upon them. Whoever ends up with it might actually need to use it rather than having bought it in a mass consumeristic splurge of appeal. No more splurges. I won't buy what I don't need.

The room was dispensed of a lot of things this weekend. I can honestly say that I am now down to bare necessities. And it's ok though. I think in the long run this will make life easier. When your given so many choices you end up losing yourself in them. I feel the need for structure. For organization. And this weekend was a good step in the right direction.

Another thing. My faith isn't etched in buildings made of stone and mortar. The kingdom of whatever higher power is within me. I don't need a floor, ceiling, and walls to let me know I have to prove it. I can feel it within me. I can feel the energy and the life within me. I can feel myself rebuilding. Re-nourishing. Renewing. Re-grouping.

Friday night was fun. Saturday even better. I did end up going to see Crazy/Beautiful with the darling Gingi who updated me on her frazzled self due to work. But the girl's got brains and talent so it was great to actually hear her speak of the things she loves. We were going to check out the mermaid parade but since I had never been and it didn't acknowledge in Gingi's mind we ended up missing it since it was the previous day. Oh well - there's always next year to experience a little mermaid action. Sunday I had another birthday. And it was sweet.

You know sometimes, I feel like a great bird flying across the ocean. My wings ache, and my heart thuds and throbs in my chest from all the exertion. And I know that I'm weary beyond words, but that there is no place for me to rest. And I don't think I should look because if I even attempt to then I'm wavering from my points of view. I'm sitting or standing somewhere that I don't want to. So I know that I have further to fly. I know that there are miles and miles of things that I need to do or see or feel before I can settle. And it's not getting colder at all. I'm just getting tired but I can't stop. Because if I stop then it feels like I'm not wining. That I'm giving up control. And I'm not a punk. I have the courage to know that things will get better. And soon they will.

Oh and one more thing. To the man with the baby blue eyes, I would've rocked your world had I chosen to. Had I stayed. How do you like them apples?



p r e v i o u s // n e x t