2001-08-01 | 8:09 p.m.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

~ Dr.Seuss

That is just genius. I came across it today for some reason that now I cannot rememeber. Hell it's not important. It's just so damn true. And granted I don't really like Dr. Seuss but googly moggly this is so right. You know this is why I feel good. I resolved to be myself, therefore now I don't really have misery or drama going on. It's all cleared up. I didn't white wash over any of my problems. I faced them and I either let them go or worked on them. And it makes a difference now. I'm not this anger ball. I'm just mellow. And it feels good. I haven't been like this ever and now that I am I am never going to be anything different.

And I know I should never say never but I think I've been able to free myself. And it shows. I mean people can see it in my face. My happiness shines. And I smile and I think a little rubs off on them. Or at least I hope it does. Because everyone should feel this good.

You know when you just let things fall where they may and suddenly in a space where you thought you had nothing you have parcels all over the place?

Well that's what the end of my week is looking like...

On Thursday I have a little thing to go to. On the same day I also promised my Brazilian older sisterfriend that I would help her out with her moving. Granted I also said I might be able to catcha movie with a co worker so I'm going to have to work on all of that tomorrow. Then Friday I am most likely going to meet up A where we will attend a little boy toy show at Don Hill's. I'm told there will be some interesting man candy there. Hopefully - but we'll see. Then on Saturday I get to go to the beach and then a pool party with the darling A again. Sunday I won't be doing the Brazilian lunch with mom because they are closed on Sundays (bastards). But maybe I'll go watch a movie, do some lolling about. Watch Sex & the City of course. But that's what I've got so far. And looking at all my options right now - I have a lot of stuff to choose from. Which is cool. I'm trying to not plan things anymore. Let them fall where they may. I know that sounds crazy because I should be organized but I've been organized all my life so not holding onto plans right now is so refreshing.

"Que culpa a gente tem de ser feliz,

Que culpa a gente tem, meu bem,

O mundo bem diante do nariz,

Feliz aqui e n�o al�m."

~ Banda Eva

Walking to work today I walked in the sun. Brazilian mix playing in my headphones and I was following my own footsteps. The aroma of Rio still sticks on me. I wear Giovana Baby Blue everyday now. I feel like a kid again. God this heat within me is so good. I smiled at a kid today as I crossed the street too. And she looked up and smiled a toothy grin at me. I surround myself with positive things. A lot of them rub off on me. And because I'm happy, I think I rub some of that happiness onto others. It seems as if I do. And I guess a smile goes along way. I smile at everyone now. And everyone smiles back. Maybe pushing out good karma back into the world is a better than I could ever expect. It does me good. I feel healthier in every way.

And work today was so ugly. So brutal in every aspect, I couldn't help but laugh and giggle. Hell I even made my boss laugh. And it made things lighter. Yes there was a lot of stuff to do. Yes there was a lot of paper to shuffle, fold and stuff. But it's these thngs that build me up into someone who gains experience. Who knows what to do. And at the end of the day we decorated. Running around like kids with pale pink and black streamers following us. Pinning up signs and stickers. Knowing that our other co worker will love it and be shocked with all our crafty work since it's her birthday tomorrow. And when I walked out at the end of the day I knew. Yeah it had been shitty but it came out nice. Sweet as gumdrops even. And this is the mix of life. The frustrating and the good. And it's quite a mix indeed.

I used to think my soul was old. But it's not. It's weathered a bit but I'm young. A child rearing her head up to the sky. And the sun is beaming down on me. And I'm smiling. And I'm not feeling sad, or lonely, or angry, or frustrated, anymore. I don't feel any of those because I know I'm not. And now I do many things, because its in the experience that I observe. It's in the daily juice of life that I grow stronger. And I thank my trip back home for bringing this out in me. This flushed, energetic kid who used to live in my body but was so scared to peep out. And now. Now She's claiming her ground. Striding about like she's a princess, a pixie, a pest. But all in good fun. And all for learning more.

"Eu dan�o na rua

No beco, no gueto

Ou em qualquer luar

Solte o corpo

Jogue o corpo pra l�

N�o deixe a chama apagar

Deixe esse fogo acender

� nesse embalo que eu tamb�m

Quero ir

N�o me deixe aqui

Aqui n�o � o meu lugar

Pegue a�..."

~ Banda Eva



p r e v i o u s // n e x t