2001-09-04 | 11:21 p.m.

The dealio. This weekend wasn't wild. There were no parties. I laid low and did nothing but work out a day with my brother. And a date after.

Yes I did go out on a date. A date you say? Yes but don't go all crazy. I don't think we necessarily "clicked". I would hang out with him again. He was really nice and made me laugh. And while it was a good date I realized something. I suck at this. No, really hear me out. I was a moron. I felt it. And I think there were moments when he might of even tried to kiss me and oblivious Joana is all like, 'what, where, who?' (Moron - yes you could say that, I sure as hell do.) But I'm not tripping about it. After all it was only a date.

It does prove the point in my head. The one where I acknowledge the fact that I am not ready for a relationship yet. Yeah I mean there's a point where I think, ok I could hang out with this guy or that guy but then I think, ok but I'm going to have to kiss them. And maybe I don't want to kiss the guy. Maybe I just want to hang out. Smile. Laugh. Go see a movie. Have a few drinks. Maybe go out dancing. I'm not looking for my one and only. I'm looking for a good time which doesn't necessarily involve sex.

And maybe it's my whole fear of sex. It's not like it's taboo for anyone in my family. It's just that it's not cool with me yet. And maybe it will be soon. And maybe it won't be. But for me, for right now, I have to live the comfortable life. No pressures. For me it's a good time. And for right now it's ok. And maybe one day I'll meet the man who will change that opinion for me. But for right now I'm good just chilling.

I guess I couldn't be more truthful right now. And I know people out there that might be interested will come here sooner or later because I was willing to let them see me here. But this is my life and this is me. I can't be more honest than I am now. And maybe I was foolish to let certain people check out my website, but I figured this is me for me. It comes down to that. And if I manage to entice then it's because of my words or my thoughts. But it all comes down to me. Does that sound crazy? I don't know. No, wait...I do. I'm good. I'm all good.

MTV awards coming up in a few days. Just saw it on a commercial on TV. The usual mix of people. The usual awards. I'm not tooting any horns but it would be nice if Gwen Stefani & Eve won an award. Their song is very nice. Every time I hear it I always feel like getting up from what I'm doing and shaking my tush. Which goes to show you it's a good tune. Or at least I think it is.

I'm sure Partygirl will have some good tales to tell of the parties after. She usually does being that she's such a badass. But I will watch the whole thing after I get back from a cocktail party that I will attend with the parental units. Yes, duty calls on that Thursday. I have to look and act like the good little daughter and wow some other people. But that's ok. I always liked the spotlight. I have no shame in my game after all.

What will suck though is that I might have to miss out on the opening of Daddy. And yes there will be other nights, but I really want to be there. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it. But I know I'll try my hardest to go if I can. Maybe I'll even drag some other badass's. Who knows?!

Oh and before I go. I know she doesn't want any pity love, so I'm not asking this for that reason. This woman rocks the party when she's awake and infused with some cosmopolitan libations. So go over there. Give her some lovin'. Sign her guestbook. Hell don't tell her I sent you because she'll think it's pity lovin. But it ain't. She's worth it. Just know she's one way cool boss. So don't be shy. Really. Go! (She'd have to be pretty wacky & cool to have hired me. Plus we function like sisters already.) Yep dope like that. So bust a move and go!



p r e v i o u s // n e x t