2001-09-23 | 11:58 p.m.

I went out Friday and Saturday night thinking I could fool myself to fall back into some sort of normal step. I didn't. It's not very easy to do so. And yet I went out. I sat on a barstool at Pop on Friday and pretended to pay attention to what was being said about a stupid Halloween party that is apparently still going to take place. I really didn't give a shit.

On Saturday I went to crazy girl's house and watched an 80's movie and then went to a few bars with her and M and while they went on and on I still couldn't deal. I backed out and went home. I saw so many people out. Some even on dates (you could just tell) and I wonder what the fuck can they be talking about let alone be thinking about on friggen dates?

It's all so out there for me right now that I am just not with it that much. And I know I should be, because I know others are pulling their weight and trying to make it through all this stuff but for the life of me, I am trying and failing at it. And it's not guilt for being alive as a friend mentioned to me. No it's more like fear of still being vulnerable and just very sad for friends who aren't by my side.

And I know I will get this all out of my system sooner or later, but you can't expect people to just jump back after a few days. It's not going to happen. I don't bounce back like that when this type of shit goes down. So I'm going to take it a day at a time and hope to stay focused each day. A day at a time doesn't sound bad for me now.

Sunday was spent doing nothing. Read and watched TV and was online. Tried to do more but there was no want in me to do anything. I guess I could say I got more sleep but not really. Weird shit keeps me awake or wakes me up in the middle of sleep. Involving Flavs, or family, or hell even Kwazyboy and I haven't seen him in a damn long time. Too much trippy shit and I am beginning to think about getting some self medication in this whole situation so I can actually get sleep that is needed. I'll see though.

I wasn't going to mention this but it's like it's a bone stuck in my throat and to write about it might get it out. The telethon that happened a few days ago was ridiculous. I live in NYC and I didn't feel better after watching it. I don't think a lot of people found the comfort in "movie stars" getting together to raise money when they are safe and a few states away in LA. Plus I'm sorry but that smells like a publicity stunt. Who in their right mind would say no to coming on and participating in that? And if they really cared and were so effected by the horror why were they on the phones smiling and in certain moments even laughing? If you look at the footage of it you can clearly see the actors and actresses picking up the phone are smiling and laughing. Excuse me but I think all these people dying doesn't necessarily make it a laughing matter. Of course this is just my opinion. Maybe someone out there found some solace in the telethon. I didn't. But hey I'm just one in many millions. So who am I to talk? I just know that it didn't sit well with me.

I have to go. It's way past my bed time and I need to try to sleep.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t