2001-10-02 | 10:21 p.m.

I'm done. Seriously, I am just done.

I cannot stand anything anymore. I have no more patience what so ever. I'm cranky, angry and my energy is gone. I have a permanent headache which doesn't allow me to sleep what so ever. I lay in bed, close my eyes and sleep for tops an hour and then I'm up and pacing and trying to do anything other than think.

I have so far re-organized my whole fucking room. Which is an impressive feat because my room is chaos usually. Not anymore. It's pristine, everything where it should be. And I. I am left wandering around.

I feel like a powder keg waiting to go off. Any minute now I will explode. And I don't know whether that will be an explosion of anger or tears or anything else. I am just done. When I'm at work I focus on what I should be doing and keep a steady pace. I do what I'm supposed to. Besides the fact that some people have to repeat things to me in order for me to really get it because sometimes I am just not there.

I have attached a mask to my face. I smile when people smile at me. I laugh when they laugh near me. But it's all a joke. I can't figure out how people can get back to living when there is no spark to living right now. People think that they shouldn't let terrorist's defeat us. And I understand that. But to go on living like nothing happened is wrong. To go about your ways and try to put it "in the past" does not work with me. I don't think it ever will.

Going to memorial services I see people I know and care for with defeat in their eyes. I don't know if I look like that. I do know that I feel like I'm going to explode. It's like every minute, and hour, and day, and week, is building up to this huge ball of whatever is in me and I want to either open my mouth and scream and let it all out or just break open and let it all ooze out.

I know I can't function like this anymore. And I know I stated previously that I should move on but let's face it, it's hard when every day I see reminders. It's almost like I'm trying to quit a drug and people keep offering it to me. I'm trying to be strong but it is getting exceedingly hard.

I don't know what to say or do. I grind my teeth at night thus making my whole jaw ache during the day. My head feels like there's a helmet placed on it and it gets tighter every minute till one day it will pop. My body is tight and high strung. I can feel it in my bones, in the blood rushing through my veins. I feel it all. And I don't know how to stop, back down, and rest. Try to relax. Sleep. Let go of whatever is in me that won't get out.

I need this release. I need whatever closure I can get. Yet nothing is coming to me and I really have no clue what to do let alone what to say or think or feel. I'm tired and I can't go on even though my feet do. I have got to pause my life and take care of Joana. I just don't know how to do that yet.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t