2001-10-05 | 12:27 a.m.

Tick, tick, tick...

One of these day's I'm going to go BOOM!

I went out after work Wednesday. Celebrating a co-worker's 60th birthday. I went out and tried to join in the celebration with her, even though my heart wasn't in it. I think I managed to do a good job though, even made her a necklace. She loved it and I admit it was sweet to see her with her husband and the sweet looks they gave to each other. The hand holding. The undeclared "You're here and I love you."

And I bit my lip. And I drank more. Wine. Gin & tonic. Margarita. You lay it infront of me and I was drinking it. And after a few libations co-workers around me turned to talking about the world today and how they were feeling and I just got sick of it and drank some more. I knew I wanted to get hammered. Surprisingly though - I didn't. I heard. I looked. I might of even interjected a comment or so. Mostly I let the lovely ladies go on. Celebrating a wonderful woman's birthday with no heart in it is a hard thing to do.

Today the day just dragged out. I had to go to a meeting at the ends of the earth with my boss. Products. Merchandise for a conference I won't even be able to attend because the boat you see is shaky, and who knows who falls off next time around. One big dog down, I'm starting to think the surplus little people will be shoved to the water pretty soon. Unless we get more finance, and hell the way it's looking like now, well who the fuck knows?! Then again I'm not sure I would have wanted to go to the conference anyways. It's in CA. And while I would love to spend some time after, or during, or in between with the lovely bug - well there's no way in hell I'm getting on a plane right now. I don't fucking care if people tell me it's safe. People say there is no biological warfare going on and yet turn on the TV and suddenly everyone's running to buy masks or "preparing" for the chance. They smell something, and if they are putting it out there it can't smell too good. And it's not hysteria. Think about it, why put it out there if it's not a possibility?

I'm telling you, it's just a matter of time till I go BOOM! The heat hasn't yet begun to rise. I feel selfish for even wanting it do so. What good is crying if it won't bring anyone back? and so I pace forward. Bite the lip, and go on. I have this notion that if you break down and cry your a damn wuss. Wussy girl. I don't want to be that at all. Never did. So I swallow everything, and I go.

Tick, tick, tick...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t