2001-10-07 | 3:44 a.m.

I wake up every morning the same way, reaching for what I had before. It wasn't much, but it was something. And every day I know that those things won't be there. And yes, I know I stated in my previous entry that there was no use in crying over spilt milk but let's face it, I can't bounce back like so many people seem to be doing. I can pretend and that's what I'm going for now. I'll just re-build and re-structure myself. Make sure that I do everything I have to.

And I don't know what I want, let alone feel anymore. I try on every mood in the box. Nothing sits right within me. So I let them all fall off and I'll just be still for the time being. No one will notice after all, and where I would hate that in the past I cherish it now.

At M's place tonight we (Crazy, M, & I) watched Weird Science. I haven't seen that movie in a long time. Brought back memories. It was good to go, it distracted me. After we watched SNL and I managed to chuckle here and there.

Now I'm home, ready to sleep and yet not sleepy at all. Then again like that's new? I haven't been sleeping well on a daily basis, so it shouldn't shock me now. I really need sleep. Serious sleep that can be achieved with 8 hours or more. Not one or two. No nightmares. No dreams. Just sleep. Peaceful sleep. I'm hoping that one of these days that can be achieved naturally. Hey if not there's always pills and booze....(kidding, it's not like I'm going for a "rock n' roll" feel anyways.) Sleep would be good though. The way things are going now it's just necessary. I won't be able to function rationally soon if I don't. I'll either be completely out of it or cranky as hell. The options aren't pretty. So I'm outta here, hopping into bed and hoping I get some sleep tonight.

Later



p r e v i o u s // n e x t