2001-10-08 | 11:45 p.m.

We are at war. I cannot begin to express the immense fear I have within me.

My supervisor at work expects me to fly to CA if bosslady won't. I've got news for him there's no way in hell I'm going. Pigs could fly out of my ass before I'd even think about it. What part of "we are at war" does he not understand?

The streets down in union square were pretty deserted yesterday. I kept wishing that it was because of Columbus Day and not because they knew something I didn't.

I am terrified. I've had it. I don't want to live in fear anymore. Yet whenever I close my eyes at night (or attempt to) I actually stop and wish hard on waking up the next day. I feel as if maybe I am being overtly dramatic but then I look around at other people and I see the fear in their eyes.

I saw James Woods talking about terrorism today. Before the words "like you would know" crossed my lips I heard his..."if someone wants you dead then rationally you kill them first. You don't wait till they kill you." He's got a point. It seems so very logical. Yeah kill them all. Make sure they all die and then we can all stay safe. But will that even do any good? If we kill them all won't there be retaliation from other dumbfucks?

And I know I end up going around in a vicious cycle like this. But god how can you not? How can you live in NYC and not feel like your worlds are colliding into each other? I need to stop feeling this fear. I need to sleep. I need to stop biting my lip so hard the inside of it bleeds at night. I need to stop the pounding in my head. I need it all to just STOP. Because please, I can't take it anymore.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t