2001-10-09 | 5:29 p.m.

Rod's was over yesterday, before dinner. He has come to NYC from Brazil for work.

We spoke and joked around. And then something happened. Words that for some reason got me thinking. People in his company that flew with him had this huge meeting earlier the other night and said they wanted to go home. Home to what they thought was safe. After all everyone has a right to feel safe, right? And Rod's in his infinite wisdom spoke the same words he told me last night.

"If it's going to happen it will happen."

The truth of the matter is that I can be scared for the rest of my life. Or I can quit this shit. I can cut this wussy girl behavior and go on. Because you can't hide from death. It's like fate. It happens when you least expect it.

And so the answer to all this chaos that is going on now, is to go on. To plant your feet firmly on the ground and to move. To step into the worlds you want to. To experience, to love, to live. There are too many could be's or what ifs out there. I can't question anymore. I have to believe that whoever is taking care of this all will resolve it. And if it doesn't, well I'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

If I've lived through stupid bombings by the IRA as a kid in England then I can sure as hell live through this. And yes it's affected me strongly because of the lost friends. But they are gone. And I am still here. This happened before when S died. He was gone. I was still here. I forgot to live for those moments. I won't now. I will live. And when the end comes in my life I'll open the door wide, wink and say "what took you so long?"

I'm back for good this time. No more wuss.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t