2001-10-12 | 1:54 a.m.

You know it's pretty fucking funny that I work at a job I don't really find that interesting to begin with to get a paycheck that will either help me out with the crap I've already paid or pay for some other crap.

Either way it's crap I don't need. Materialistic possessions that don't mean a thing. That won't count for shit when I'm gone. And it's in moments like these that I realize how silly of me to be so shallow in the past.

To want to acquire another Kate Spade bag here, another MAC lipstick there. It's sad, and pretty pathetic. Because when it comes down to it none of that shit matters what so ever. So yeah I got my paycheck, and off it went in different portions, weaving back and forth in traffic, making sure it gets to each bill it needs to pay. And half of the shit is gone already.

And I don't care. I suppose I should care though. I mean I need to get my ass back and forth when I go to work and back home. I need to eat lunches. But I'm not stressed about all of this. Things work out, they always do - in one way or another.

The get together, blind date, meeting (whatever I call it or choose to call it) was stressing me out. Making me nervous. Till I laid in bed tonight and realized I could go somewhere I've never been and meet a guy I've never met or just email him back and tell him when and where. So I did. I emailed him and told him to meet me at a place I've been before and feel comfortable in.

And if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. I'm not gritting my teeth and wondering why. What you get is what you see, I'm not trying to hide anything at all.

I went out to dinner tonight. French bistro. Good but simple food, maybe a little too simple food wise. It was nice to see my brother smile and laugh. Actually it was just nice to see my brother. Usually he's in a foul mood because of all the annoying women he hangs out with. The boy has so much to give and yet hangs out with dud's. He won't learn till he gets it smacked over his head. And he's stubborn so that may take a while.

I'm supposed to be in bed. Sleeping. I think I've got this insomniac thing covered now. Down pat for sure. I could use a drink. Hell I could use more than one. All that really matters for me right now is rest. A good long sleep. I wish I could actually accomplish that feat.

I'm so tired of getting emails that "warn" me that something will happen in a few days. If it's not a hoax then it's mass hysteria. I doubt there wouldn't be any mention of it on the news.

Then again I haven't been watching that for a while. I don't care either way. I'm tired of knowing everything. I've washed my hands of it all. Nothing I can do about what may or may not happen. So I just want people to let me have the choice not to hear any of it. I'm sick and tired of it anyways. There's no point in knowing. You won't be able to change what you can't or can see.

Letting it all go...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t