2001-10-13 | 2:53 a.m.

Wait for it, because you saw this coming just as much as I did...

I got laid off!

Yeah tell me how much this sucks. And yeah I bitched about a crappy paycheck to pay even more bills. But I kinda depended on those paychecks to pay my crap so I wouldn't have to worry about it at all anymore. Luckily I live at home and my father sat me down and made me realize that he will help when I can't do it anymore. And I know he will. And I'm not worried about that. I just like paying my bills. I like having chump change to go out at night and party. Now it's all about tightening my purse strings and no more fun involving partying out at night. At least not till I get another job.

And part of me realizes that when one door closes another opens. But after all the stress and drama I've dealt with this last month it really felt like the last blow.

And yeah I played it cool at work. I acted and pretended and smiled and said it was all ok. It's not. It's unfair and it's pissy and pathetic of me to whine and bitch about it but the market sucks right now. It sucked before the WTC horror happened. It's gotten no better now. And I wonder when I will get a chance to find another job that was this cool. Because the job I will have for the remaining 2 weeks is cool. I work with really cool people apart from the ass owner who acts like a spoilt child.

Whatever though. Nothing stays the same, everything changes. It sucks I won't work near the Union Square area anymore but hey maybe third time around is a charm. Maybe this time I'll get a job that makes me smile everyday I wake up. I have hope I'll find the perfect job. I have hope that I will be happy to go like I was at this one. I have hope for better things to come and I have to believe they will, eventually come.

Tonight I went out for a night of drinks. Half of which I didn't pay because I got the total hook up. That's always nice when that happens. The night ended with a drag though. Dealing with a girl I know who was drunk and who was acting ridiculous. I demand respect of friends, so when they don't respect me as I do them, I just turn around and leave. I don't play childish games. So I left. Got in a cab and let her babble on to her Destiny's Child wannabe looking friend.

So sad that when children drink they think they are marvelous. I tried to talk to her and when I realized that her cursing wouldn't stop I was outta there. You act like a dumbass, you lose.

N told me she saw Kwazyboy the other day. Apparently he was at a barber shop?! It was weird. I hadn't heard his name for such a long time from someone else. I miss him a lot but I don't think he can ever move away from the past. I wish he would. I miss his smile and laugh and the way he would make me laugh, but I've done what I had to do for him and for J these past weeks. I've washed my hands. There's nothing more that I can do, the ball is in their court. It would be nice to have some interaction but maybe he still holds a grudge? Not sure. Things change though. People do. I have. Hopefully we can all get back to a good place once again. I'm crying. This is so sad. I can't believe how tender I am when it comes to him and J. Spark of a name and I'm back wishing things were better between us all. Maybe things will change, I'm not holding my breath anymore. You move with the times, and I'm trying to do so now.

In regards to the date, I canceled. Then he did. He had to go to Philly to make the parents happy after this whole Anthrax scare. That makes me feel good (well not the anthrax obviously, but that he's good with his parents like that.) I'm not nervous anymore. He seems like a really cool guy. When I do eventually meet him I'm sure it will all be good. And if not, then no worries. Another friend is always good too. No drama. No stress. I've had enough of both. Now it's time to flow.

Flowing right into bed. Too tired to keep up with my words. It's over and done.

Peace...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t