2001-10-23 | 11:53 a.m.

Remember when I lay in bed and actually slept without waking up from stupid nightmares? Remember when I looked up to the sky and smiled at the sun and clouds rather than look for planes? Remember when trains weren�t delayed because of bomb scares or anthrax? When I wasn�t evacuated from buildings or trains. When I walked down the street to work and didn�t flinch at sirens passing me by?

I want to stop adhering to the rules of the game. I want to play it my way.

Yesterday I was on the telephone with a friend. I told her that I felt like I wanted to scream to the sky: �here I am - come and get me Osama you little bitch� (a la I know what your boobs did last summer�ummm I mean that Jennifer Love Hewitt movie.) She laughed which is a good sign. Tells me I have some humor in me left although I feel like raging inside.

I don�t know if I can classify my symptoms as broken hearted or broken spirit. I don�t want to allow all these feelings to break me down. I am trying not to get caught up in all this mish mash of sorrow and dread. I�m trying to get lost in the little things. But it�s frustrating when the little routines you are trying to attain keep changing because crazy�s out there like to fuck you over. But then again, such is life such is mango.

I�ve been cleaning up my room. Throwing stuff out and giving a lot of clothes away to charity. I don�t need all the clothes I have, hell I don�t use all the shit I have. So I�m trying to focus on keeping basic items so that I can play around with them. I don�t need many pieces of clothes. I need just a few simple and yet quality items that can be worked around. Plus the more I give the more I get in terms of good karma. My hope is to demolish all the crap that is in both closets and just have few choices. And keep them at that. No more crazy buying. There�s no need. What I have will do me just fine. And what I don�t have I don�t need.

Hopefully by next week, both closets and drawers will be toned down to essentials. So much so that I hope to get rid of one of the chest of drawers in my room. I have enough space in my closets to accommodate everything clothes wise I own. Yep it�s a mission but one I�m not taking in lightly. Besides, the amount of clothes, shoes and bags I�ve accumulated through out the years is ridiculous!

I�m at work alone today. Poor bosslady got in a bike accident and had to have stitches on her elbow. She was a little off yesterday, so when she called me at night to let me know she wasn�t coming in I thought she needed to rest also. Take a day and sleep it off a little. Not get cooped up here where rosemary�s baby might have the chance to call her and bother her. So this means I�m alone and that�s ok. Everything is all good and hopefully it will remain this way the whole day. I need a couple of days of peace just as much as I need a couple more hours of sleep.

And I�m changing my layout once again pretty soon. With the help of Lexy (who�s brilliant by the way) I�m going to turn this space into something more. So stay tuned, the changes will be better � I promise.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t