2001-11-05 | 3:52 p.m.

When I was younger I used to have this list. This list of everything I wanted to be & have by the time I was 25. I thought when I turned 25 I would have everything and anything I needed. That I would have the career, the man I loved, maybe even children along the way. I used to think that 25 was a good age to have everything.

Except now that I am 25 I realize how foolish I was as a child back then. How naive of me to believe that at 25 I would have received everything that I wanted. That I would have worked for everything in that short space of time. It's not impossible but I don't believe it would be that quick for me.

And now. Now when things have been ripped away from me and when I have fought hard and won and lost some battles I realize that the shelter I always craved for when I was a kid manifested itself into a home, a husband, children, and the career. It could all still happen one day, I'm not saying it won't. Except I feel like I've lived a long time and I haven't learnt enough just yet to accumulate all the goodness that those benefits would provide me. So I keep on walking. Struggling but walking none the less.

I got a call back from a job, except when this lady called me I felt like she was interrogating me. She works at another studio that did what my previous job at the other studio did. Which is fine, hey I can stick within the same demographic. But it just felt off. When she ended the call she told me that she would need to think about it before calling me in for a meeting.

And all I'm thinking is: "hey lady the only reason I'm actually talking to you now is that the position your offering is a hell of a lot more money than what I was thinking of". Anyways I don't know what's going on there but whatever. I also got a call back in regards to something I wrote which made me incredibly excited. Except when I called in this morning, trying to keep my excitement in check I was told that they had indeed loved my writing but that they weren't at the current time, interested in producing it. Big let down because from the sound of the message it looked like good news. I guess it wasn't in the stars for me yet.

I am going on interviews tomorrow. All of them with agencies. I hate going to agencies because most of the time they don't have that much, especially now, and they end up wasting my time and theirs. And it's frustrating also because it give's me false hope's of something being out there when by the looks of it, well it isn't. But I'll go and hope that something happens. That some sort of magic may work.

Yesterday I went to PG's marathon party. Had a great time as usual. N came by at one point but left because she was so hungover that she couldn't deal. I stayed on longer because it was a good party and I was enjoying myself. Had a good talk with PG herself where I ended up feeling a hell of a lot better about how I felt before in regards to other stuff. It felt good, like she knew what I was talking about. As usual she does. I left and practically walked home because I didn't have any money for a cab and the damn bus never came. It was ok though, I needed the walk. Gave me time to think.

And today has been same old, same old. Sending out resumes, going to the gym, then coming back and sending out more resumes. One of these days someone is going to glance at my resume and be wowed. They're going to want to hire me on the spot. (Shut up a girl can dream...leave me alone.)

And before I go CONGRATULATIONS to Riot718! I'm very happy for her. She's going to make one hell of a mom. So congrat's Riot!



p r e v i o u s // n e x t