2001-11-07 | 5:16 p.m.

I had the most amazing telephone conversation with a friend I hardly get to see last night. We talked about many aspects of my life that I'm just not happy with right now. That I wish I could change or just basically start developing it further into something I could see myself being happy with. It was a good conversation, one that needed to be had. I needed the kick to the ass once again.

I've come to the conclusion that I need to let go off this foul mood I have been in lately. True there's nothing on the J-O-B front right now but I can't let that get to me as much as it has. I can't keep crying over spilt milk like I have been doing. It's pointless and it's only creating creases on my face that I don't need. Things will work themselves out. They always seem to do so. While it does suck that I really have no money and no income coming in, I can still take this time to do the things I seldom do. Finish reading my books. Work out more at my gym. Finishing sewing the stuff I started, but sooner or later put down and never picked up again. I need to keep my mind and my body moving. I won't let it fester like I was doing so yesterday and the days before. Fuck that.

Besides I have the help of my family. I am lucky to still live at home and that my parents are here for me in my time of need. My dad has repeatedly let me know that he will help me pay my bills till I'm back on my feet. I know this and yet I was still going crazy. I can remain calm now knowing that I will find something and that it will be right for me. But until I do, it's ok to rely on the kindness and help of family members. It won't make me weak or make them think less of me. It's ok, they're family and they love me unconditionally no matter how much I may fuck up if I do. And being that I didn't fuck up I can't feel this bad. It happened. Now I will move on to better things. And they will come, it may take longer than I want them to but they will come.

And so now I feel a lot better. I think I had to hear this from someone else. I had to realize it within myself as well. And maybe hearing it from my friend was good. It made me realize that my foundation is strong and won't let me fall. And if by chance they do they are there for me. Their helping hands will always be there for me.

So yeah...I'm feeling better now.

I went out with my dad earlier on. We walked all the way to the bank where he used to work. He dealt with the paperwork from Brazil he has to deal with at least once a month and we went off on our way. As we walked back home we passed Sephora and my dad and I went in to check stuff out. Just to check stuff mind you, I had no intention of really buying anything because I'm, well I'm broke! But because my dad is cool, he offered to buy the stuff I needed. Which is so very nice of him to do so. He does this about once a year, which is probably why he offered today. It's a splurge but it only happens once a year so you know, it's really cool. The fact that I'm his only daughter and I go crazy over make up probably played a part in the whole thing too, still it totally made my day.

So I bought myself some foundation, loose powder, and concealer from Lorac. I initially decided to go with a brand I had never heard of before named Alchemy because it went on so smooth and light on my skin. But I liked Lorac more so I went that way. Then I got something I've been eyeing for a while, my lip & cheek tint, and lastly my favourite lip gloss. It kinda felt like Christmas when I left the store because I felt so fortunate and I was smiling from ear to ear. Made me feel so good. And yes I know it's all so materialistic and girlie girl but fuck it. I enjoy make up, it makes me feel nice and pretty and if anyone has issues with that well then take it up with somebody who gives a damn.

Anyways so we walk back home and I offer my dad some lunch since he bought me so many good girlie things. I only have 20 bucks so I told him that. We opt for Mc D's and while I partake in my happy meal (yes only bought because of the Monsters Inc. toy - once again bite me) he partakes in his chicken whatever. We come home and I stop off for a lollipop. All good.

Come home and brother tells me there are a few job opportunities and for me to send him my resume. I email it over and he forwards it on to whomever should know. It kinda feels good to know he's on the lookout also. Like he knows how bad I felt and is in his own way helping out. It's a nice to know he's there in his subtle ways.

And now I'm home. I should go work out but I don't feel like doing so, especially since I'm surfing the crimson wave. The thought of actually getting changed and going out to the gym where I will probably be repeating exercises over and over again is not on my to do list for the time being. So I'm just going to go lay down and rest a little.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t