2001-11-10 | 5:52 p.m.

It's over and done.

I'm angry. Well not really angry. More like aggravated. I have a friend or what I believed to be a friend who accused me of all this bullshit in an email. I explained myself and now I feel foolish. There was no reason for me to explain myself because I never said anything or did anything for her to believe all the bullshit that she does. And now I've decided to try and forget about it. Obviously we weren't "friends" because I would never believe half of the shit she heard about me. I would have trusted her rather than believe a word of what she heard. And hello her source is not so coherent to begin with so why would she believe it? Fuck it, I have to cut off the fat that I don't need in my life anymore. (Much like PG says - Cut the fat!)

Yesterday I went out with M & N. We thought we might be going downtown but ended up being uptown and around my area. We ended up cruising very upscale gay bars. All fine and dandy if you ask me. I hardly paid for my drinks and the gentlemen I ended up meeting were gracious and polite and just incredible conversationalists. The pro to the whole night was that I was able to walk home which was a nice treat also. Gave me a chance to think about the night out. I had a good time which I didn't think I would. I am shocked though. My generation now is so into drugs. And I mean hardcore shit: opium, cocaine, heroine. I have never had any desire to try anything - even pot, and I find it shocking that everyone out there seems to be on something or mixing it around with different pills.

What ever happened to just good old fashioned drinking and a cigarette here and there? Maybe a cigar for a man? Now it's pills, snorting, injecting...such a mass of insanity that I often wish I was born in another time. But if you think about it drugs were always around and it's not just the drugs, it's the type of people that take them too. And since I'm not one of them I can be proud and fortunate to believe that I escaped that dance with the devil.

It's strange though. A few weeks ago I was invited to a party with a friend and when we got there, there was a mass of people. Some famous, some not so famous. The daughters of wealthy and famous people. People you see in glossy magazines, musicians, etc. And they all - at some point of the night did a drug. Either smoked pot or snorted or injected. It was all very shocking because I never imagined or expected it from any of them.

And I wonder they seem to all be doing what they want to. They're in movies, they're creating great songs or products and they are wealthy and yet they feel the need to do drugs. It's like what's the point? They each have this gift and I think they all misuse them. Hell if I had half the gift that one of them did I would be happy. And it's like they are all trapped in this vicious cycle which they can't break because I guess in their circles it's "cool and hip". But fuck that. Whatever!

If I had the chance I would never be like them. I would friggen thank every minute of the day because I would be doing something I love to do and getting paid for it. It would be a gift everyday and I think THAT'S what a lot of them all forget about. And I feel sorry for them, I do. Because at one moment in time I all thought they had something. I now know they don't, and if they did they probably lost it along the way now.

It's just off a little. I'm not like anyone I know. And that's a good thing. But I begin to wonder stuff. I'm not a heavy drinker. I don't do drugs. I think too much, say too much, and write too much. And I wonder if there's anyone else out there like me? Or am I the only one. Or am I the crazy one and is everyone else the norm? I sometimes feel like the odd one out in everything. Like everyone knows the big joke and I am yet to be informed. Or that I'm just not crazy enough to join the "cool" people's club. And I know this sounds silly, it's just that I'm not like them. And I wouldn't want to be like them. I like me for me. But I wonder if there's any others out there like me. That like doing silly things and not be so embarrassed by them. That enjoy the small things too. I don't know but I just feel off. It's been in the making for a while, and I've come to realize it every day even more so.

I think I've been waiting my whole life for something that might not be true at all.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t