2001-11-25 | 7:24 p.m.

Most of the time a lot of people forget the small things. Oh yeah, the bigger picture is what people want to go for. The American dream so to speak. But sometimes, just sometimes I wish people would stop and really look or listen to those small things. Although they may seem small they are actually so fucking huge that they make a difference. I get tired of people always telling me I'm a dreamer. So what? Does it inflict any pain in your life? Are you that selfish that you want to intrude into my life and impede in on whatever fate I partake in? It's not about looking out for you when your in danger, it's more like stomping on the dream you have just because you think you can. I have news for you bub, you can't. And stop trying because your attempts are pitiful. I may not be like you but I'm sure as hell glad to be me. And if you can't deal with that then it's your problem and not mine.

And I think there are questions that can only be likened to turpentine, stripping away the paint layer until only what is raw and bare remains. Questions like does my heart constrict and do I think after it all? When did everything happen? When did it change? When did my life become so unpredictable that if I blinked I would miss portions of it? And I know that there was a time I lived my life in such a way as to never need anyone else. I was self-sufficient and resolute, focused on and consumed only by certain things. Now those things have washed away like dirty hands being washed clean through an open faucet. My chest aches and I feel as if I have thousand's of unshed tears stored within me. And I am powerless to do anything to remedy it because life moves and sometimes you just have to deal with the fact that you don't like how it moves. And sometimes you just wish you could stay in some mystical fucking place and not have reality shatter everything. But it does and you have to learn how to deal.

All I know is that I'm most happiest when I'm not a sheep. When I'm not herded into a "group". I like to be me and I like to do what I have to. I'm not scared. I'm not ashamed, and I shouldn't have to be. It's not anarchy or rebellion. It's me. If you can't deal then why bother being around me? I need to be the person I want to be and not who you want me to be. And if I make mistakes that's ok because I learn from them. I grow from them. I can never be what people want me to be. It doesn't work that way. I need to have the time and space to be me and not you, or you, or you back there. I can understand that people who love me want to protect me from what they imagine to be "bad". But I'm done. I like taking chances. I like risks. Sometimes they don't go the way I would like them too. Still life is to be lived. You can't waste precious minutes anymore. And I don't need anyone telling me about the big picture when I'm fed up with the big picture someone else intended for me. I want to do something for me. If people can't understand I'm not going to stop and try to explain it to them. They aren't for real if they question me, and I refuse to waste any more time already.

I was called at the buttcrack of early this morning by A. She mentioned brunch with the girls that we had apparently planned Friday night. Except when she called us all up, we were all still in bed so she felt like a fool. I told her that there was no chance in hell that I was getting up at the time she called to meet for food. She laughed and told me that I shared the same sentiment as everyone else she had called before. It's good to know the people I hang out with on crazy nights like those know to respect the sleeping in on Sundays policy. Typing of sleeping I'm off to take another nap.

Before I end. No need for thanks lbug. We'd end up meeting sooner or later - K & G's can't be separated for too long. We have gossip, make up, libations, boys, sex, money, and smack to talk about. Who else could handle 2 drama queens together? Yep we've got skeelz girl. So 'fer shizzle ma nizzle!" (Yes I'm sure I didn't use the lingo correctly but honey you know I love you like good Stoli.)

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t