2001-11-28 | 5:08 p.m.

There's always a fucking undercurrent to people. And I'm sick and tired of it. I'm sick of petty bullshit. I'm sick of people twisting each other's words to see what harm they can create.

It's royally fucked up. You think you know people but you end up not really knowing shit, because the situation that occured led you to see how full of shit that person really is and was.

And I'm really trying to understand why people are like this, but there isn't an answer to this question. People like what they do or else they wouldn't do it. So you know what? I'm not going to look back like I was. I'm not going to think of this person's feelings when I walk all over them. Because they sure as hell didn't when it came to me.

I won't protect people or even be loyal to them for that matter, obviously they don't play the same game. I'm not going to get mindfucked like this again. I'm not going to let this person get away with it anymore. I'm living for me and not for someone else. And that is the beauty of it all, finally realizing this. Setting myself free. Only in becoming free do I have the courage to do the rest. So yeah...moving on, because from now on I am.

I need to find my Stanley Walker soon. I'm done with this being po'ass broke thing. I want to just roam around my day drunk, in great designer clothes and I bitch about one thing or another while I continue to shop. It can't be that hard to find a sugar daddy here in NYC, can it? (Joke people - joke).

Watched Almost Famous again in the wee small hours of the morning. God that movie is fucking genius. There's something about it. Some mystical quality to it. Your there but not really there, if that makes any sense. I sound like I'm a pothead when I've never touched the stuff. Still there's something electric about AF.

The truth of the matter, after having talked to a friend on the phone today is that the person I was bitching about before was cruel - spiteful even. And because I am such a wuss I really have no desire to walk all over people even though I wished before that I could. It's insensitive and crass, and while I was hurt I also have to admit I wasn't very rational either. And while I still see this undercurrent to people I have to admit that I'm not like that and can never be no matter how hard I try. I have a big heart, one that appears to be foolish at times. But I also have to recognize that I have to hang around better people. People who will know how to treat it & me. If I really think about it I have a big heart and I use it to it's full potential because it's that fucking strong. While others have things that will corrupt or weaken their hearts I won't. My big heart is one of my many strength's, and its strength is what will save me time and time again. So I have to accept that in this life I will encounter people that arn't like me in that way and that no matter how hard it is for me to realize it I can't give my heart, loyalty or love away like that. It's too precious to be dolling it out like that.

The guy that was supposed to call from the interview I went to the week before Thanksgiving didn't call. he said he would call no matter what today. To let me know if it was a yes or a no. This was the job that I really wanted. He hasn't called yet which means it's highly unlikely that he will. I feel like such an ass because I really wanted the job and I was so good in the interview. I hit every mark and I could tell he really liked me. Of course now I realize I was probably wrong since I haven't gotten any feedback what so ever. It sucks because I really wanted the job. Guess I wasn't good enough for it though. Maybe that just means that something better is out there for me. Maybe I needed to not get this so the next thing that happens I will get? Yeah I'm hoping for something because I'm going out of my fucking mind already.

I need to get going. I need to go to the gym.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t