2001-11-30 | 1:43 a.m.

I haven't drained myself of hope yet. I know there's someone and something out there for me. You know waiting so unexpectedly that when I come across it or him I will be so shocked that I'll just fall and giggle like an idiot. (Yeah that's what I'm telling myself lately.) It's just that sometimes, you know sometimes things happen and I want to smack myself over the forehead and be like "duh - you dumbass". Why I put sad songs on the CD player or watch silly romantic movies. It's this notion of wanting, of hoping, of needing that thing to happen. And I'm not quite sure what that thing is anymore. It used to be becoming an actress. Then a writer. Then getting married and having kids and a home of my own. Now a days I don't know a damn thing of what I want. And while people say that's ok because I'm young - well it really isn't. I'm 25. I'm supposed to know what the hell I want to do with the rest of my life. Aren't I?

I just don't want to settle for something that's just there ya know? I don't want it to be less of what I can get. Does that seem selfish? I don't know, I just don't want it to happen. Of course I also think that I'm a little off lately, a little color me crazy so I wouldn't really be the best person to judge my thoughts now would I?! Maybe I just project my illusions on here in hopes that at the end of the day something will happen, so it would be amazing to write down because it would be some sort of fairytale. But what fairytale begins or ends when you have no clue what the damn plot is? I'm just off. Distracted and off by so many little things.

And it's not about sex. Yes granted I'm having an incredibly slow period but it's not that. I don't even like it at all anyways. I mean if you really think about it, well it's just overrated. I think that a lot of women don't love it, they just find affirmation in the act of sex itself. Like it makes them feel good about themselves. Which is fine, I mean if you need that tool or body to keep you rockin then that's great. I already feel good without it. Too messy, too much hassle. So I'd rather not deal with that so as not to worry about the stress that comes of it too. Because it's too much of a big deal for me to deal with now.

I sound like a lunatic. I'll stop with this now and move on to something else. Yep, here I go - movin' on.

Anyone noticed that I changed the colors around? Yeah they were darker before. I had to change, couldn't help myself, I was getting tired of them. Now the new shades are pretty spiffy aren't they? Plus now you get to see me everytime you charge in here. All good? Yeah I'm not sure about that photo either. I'm working on it. Of course now the fucked up thing is that all my older entries only return to my new one. I will pretend not to have a panic attack while I wait for help. This means I'll be breathing out of a paper bag soon. No stop looking at me like that, I'm not THAT strange. It's just that I have 2 years worth of entries locked up in this bad boy and there's no way in hell that I plan on losing them. But I can't do anything about it now, so I will step back and R-E-L-A-X. I have an interview tomorrow so my ass should be in bed instead of trying to re-arrange shit on here. So I'm off.

Later..



p r e v i o u s // n e x t