2001-12-29 | 3:09 a.m.

I have observed with great enthusiasm the course of my disgrace & debauchery these past few months. Being that I've decided not to become like most people and turn into a sheep, I've realized that lately I've done some pretty fucked up shit. One could say that I haven't been in a state of hibernation what so ever. (Even though I told myself I should be being that it's winter and all.) I know this to be true since I've been all action and then some. Which is probably why lately I have this theory that in life you just can't let anyone make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Which is why I'm going for it now more than ever. Then again I suppose that by playing these games I could be crafting my own doom - which is probably why they are so fun to play with to begin.

"Would you ever say to me 'stop'? 'If you loved me, you'd stop'?" / "Not in a thousand years." / "Not in a thousand years? - That's my girl!"

~ Hannibal Lecter & Clarice Starling

Romantic, ain't it? I swoon everytime I see that scene. The space between torture and pleasure all at once. Yum! And I now own the DVD, so goody, goody.

I sometimes stop and wonder at what costs will I go to reach what I want? I had the audacity to believe that I never felt anything before. That I could simply lock it up and throw away the key. But unfortunately I'm not made of stone. I have emotions and unlike before - I'm not afraid to show them. I'm not afraid to speak of what hurts or doesn't hurt anymore. It's like I've taken of the gag that was in my mouth and now am free to say exactly what I really do think. It's a good & bad thing, as I've recently discovered.

New years ghetto plastic nails didn't last a day. They were so constricting and painful throughout the night that this morning I went to get them taken off. And while my nails are short I actually like them this way more than the longer plastic version. Oh and with the added bonus that I don't feel the tightening pain on each fingertip. Yey!

I didn't do much the whole day. Just ran a few errands and then came home and watched Mommie Dearest. (Which let's face it is a classic, I still have no problems watching it again and again.) I didn't go to the gym because I was just too lazy today and it was cold and I was just too lazy. A day off. But later on I really had a delightful time. Had a FREE 3 course trendy dinner with drinks with A & S, thanks to A's hook up and then went off with them both to meet other people. Of course those other people never showed up. But it was a very insightful night. We turned it into a business meeting night. It became insightful because we've all found a common thing to do on our spare time, which might turn into a career if we do it right. I can't go into it now but lets just say my digital camera & nekkid people were involved. Very interesting since the majority of my friends are laid off and want to really have something of their own. And this project could definitely turn into that so I am happy. Wheels are turning and it looks as if this new year might be one filled with various intriguing prospects.

Oh and at the restaurant downtown tonight (way downtown might I add) we saw SJP and her husband MB along with RR and a lady I can only assume is his wife. Celebrity spotting is always fun to see in NYC because it occurs almost at a daily basis.

Nothing but namedroppin' tonight, but then again nothing but love I tell ya.

Tomorrow is all about relaxing and going to the gym. I need to make sure I have the cash and the rest to celebrate new years because it promises to be a night of much fun. Maybe I'll do some searching for the cute top I want to wear for new years. It's either an old cleavage favorite of mine or something new. So I'll see tomorrow. After all if I'm going to a Madonna themed party in the beginning of the night I really must do the slutty mc'slutty thing to a point where it's just almost to that line where I wouldn't cross. It will be new years after all, and on this new year I want to start it with a bang rather than a whimper.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t