2002-01-04 | 9:34 p.m.

Everyone's life is made up of defining moments. A collection of events that change the way you see the world and the way you see yourself. I'm not the same person I was before. I don't think anyone is. I've lost things I value a lot this last year and have see things that have no rational explanation what so ever. Much like everyone else here in NYC in one way or another. The simple fact is that the person I might have been before is as much a mystery to me as the one I am now.

The thing about defining moments is you never really know you're in the middle of one until it's too late to do anything. And maybe that's the truth. That none of us know. But a new year has started so I'm hoping to let my truth's be known even though the heavens might fall. Which is why I honestly feel like I've left all my burdens in the past. It's like why bother with the petty shit when you don't know what will happen tomorrow? And I find myself happier and possibly more liberated and I smile more. I smile more now and laugh and I'm not afraid to say things I wouldn't in the past. Not afraid to do things too, which is probably why I've been experiencing a lot recently. I used to want to 'get' my happy ending. I've come to realize that you don't 'get' one if you don't make it happen. So I am. I'm just a work in progress.

It may take awhile but eventually I'll get myself finished. I'm finally good - no more clouds in my coffee. Plus I believe that if I want a happy ending I have to take them where I can find them. And I am. The one thing I have learned is that people like to keep moving. Some just don't know where they are going. Which is fine, but have somewhere your going to for godsake. Don't free fall into nothing. Because something is better than nothing after all.

I really need to stop my BIO obsession. I keep watching the movie over & over again. Perhaps Weetabix and I could start a group? Maybe even try not to incorporate cheers into the meetings? Who knows?! I think we might still have to work on that one though. It's hard for me not to break out into my own rendition of "brr it's cold in here" in my head when it is cold.

It seems that Mr. Sandman has lost my address yet again. Either that or he's definitely backed up with other insomniacs on my street. Still, I really wish I could get to sleep earlier. Yesterday night I was up till about 4am. I keep rolling around in bed hoping for sleep to take me and nothing. I've tried warm milk, counting sheep, even listening to classical music in bed. NADA. ZIPPO. ZILCHO! It's very annoying. If this continues I'm going to start taking some sleeping pills here and there to edge me off a little. That or a few glasses of wine. That should do the trick.

I'm getting 2 books off my wishlist - yey! Well actually someone is since I didn't order them. Yey! I'm finishing up PN so I'm glad to have new books to read in the horizon.

I'm left in a position once again that I don't like to be in. Waiting for one person or another. Then again I've already told a friend I'd go out with her so it's not so much as in waiting around in not knowing what to do but more like giving one opportunity a chance or not. Yeah because I always end up saying yes to more than one thing a night now a days. Also thank god I have Hedwig to keep me company as I scroll the movie listings for both movies. Oh wait, wait, wait backtrack. Things have changed! So tonight will be movie night with A rather than Kwayzboy. Which means we're watching Business of Strangers rather than Vanilla Sky. Yey! I've been wanting to watch BOS for so long now and I'm glad that A's up for it. So yey!

I got myself a nice little pedi & mani after going to the gym. Now my nails look all girly which please me in a small way. But they look so spectacular that I'm impressed. Polished in baby pink they glimmer back at me as I type and I smile. (It's the little things people - the little things.)

Well I'm off. I'm going to watch some telly before I meet up A later on tonight. I've just finished cooking the dinner I made for my family. Hurrah! because it was oh so good! . And now, now I'm a bit tired since I've been standing pretty much all day. (Not over a hot stove but I can cook on one if permitted). So I'm going to go rest my feet (because I'm so old) and watch some TV before going out.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t