2002-01-08 | 7:22 p.m.

Hey little girl, would you like to come out and play? The door is open, just enough so you can breathe. And I try. Why won't I come outside? I never go out and play. I think I'm afraid because I don't understand. Mazzy star playing almost on a loop. And it never feels the same again. I can smile but I cannot forget. And it's not supposed to be this way. I don't want to feel this at all. I can't find a way to whisper my answers. They've been muffled. My words have been ripped from my lips and aren't heard. Now this part is over and the fallen have no life in them. And I feel like I should be crying but I can't let it show. If I give myself these moments I fear that the good won't come back within me. And you can't stop things that have already occurred. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. All the things that didn't happen. So I make it go away now, because what good would it do me to not forget? Tell you a secret, little girl. There aren't any secrets anymore.

Dressed in my black suit I went to an interview today. Another agency. I don't even know why I bother going to them anymore. None have any job's and its really just a waste of my time and theirs since they never call me back at all. Bastards that they are. I am so frustrated. It's not like I'm not trying - I am. It's just that there doesn't seem to be anything out there right now. Which just really sucks. Although good news is that I got a call back from the focus group people and next week looks like I'll be making money for one day. Which isn't bad and which will be used either to help pay a bill or saved for partying.

I've already mentioned how much I want to see OC right? If not, well then let me state it here and now that I've been waiting for this movie ever since last year when I saw it was coming out this year. Looks cheesy I know but it's all about the rocket sauce Jack Black will bring to it, and he has might powerful rocket sauce people, mighty powerful! And if you have no clue who I'm talking about then shame on you...everyone should know the wonder that is the D by now.

So I watched the DVD I rented for my brother today with my brother who stayed home today for some reason or another from work. And after dinner mom and I are watching the other DVD. Then I haul ass back to the video store and return them. Yes exciting life I lead I know.

Looks like another trip into Brooklyn might happen this Friday. Allegedly meeting up with G - who is miss social butterfly - where we (the whole crew of girls) will drink and then head off to some lounge where apparently the party is good. Or so G's heard - hey it's all good, it's cheap and I'll be drinking so what do I care?!

Nothing more to say.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t