2002-01-29 | 2:14 a.m.

This is my life and I refuse to let it end one minute at a time like I was before. Instead I am going to scrape up everything inside me and show the world. Show everyone around me. Yes I can, and you bet your ass I'm going to do what I want and make it happen. I'm not going to take everything so seriously. If I don't take life seriously I can't get hurt. If I never get hurt I always have fun. It's as simple as that. And in the off chance I end up getting hurt well then it's something to live and learn by. Enough of this bullshit that was going on before. Life is what you make of it and I am tired of sitting by the sidelines.

So today I sent out various letters. All handwritten. Sent them to the owners and creators of make up brands I love. I wrote about my situation and what I honestly wanted out of the letter (a j-o-b). I also managed to ramble on about what I thought of their brands and what I liked and didn't like about them. Various notes on textures and packaging and after sending them all out I felt good. Like I had taken a step. Granted not a huge step but a step none the less. It can't hurt after all.

And I also realized what I want out of life. I want to be happy. I've been putting myself on the back burner when it comes to being happy. It's not that I haven't been selfish, I have at certain times. But I think for my sake I should be more so now. Because it's now that I'll find my happiness and not in a few years after everyone's gone in front of me.

I checked out the cooking schools also and I came to the realization that yes I like to cook but that it will most likely be for my family and not in a eating establishment. I don't want to deal with all that hassle. I want to cook for me and not for anyone else that may taste my food and judge it. If that makes sense good, if not well tough - it makes sense in my head. Plus I made dinner for the family today and it's all good. Made them happy and made me happy too. All that really matters in the end.

Looks like my palm pilot is out of commission for a while. I can't get it hot synching to my computer and my brother can't seem to fix the problem because it's the palm software that is not doing well with Microsoft xp software. So I just have to wait it out. In the meantime I glad to say that I'm back to my old school black filofax. It's a bit bigger to log around and doesn't have the added conveniences like Vindigo to it, but it definitely works out nicely while I have nothing and am booking appointments with everyone in this city for a job. Gotta be prepared at all times!

I also took a good look around my room and I've gotta say I'm impressed. It used to be a pig sty. There were no clothes on the floor obviously because I've never gone there but it was messy and things were piled on top of each other all around. I also had too much crap lying around. I became the packrat. And now I'm happy to say it's all gone. Everything is neat and tidy and oh so pretty. And I am keeping it up that way. I've found that instead of flinging clothes, bags, and shoes into my 2 closets if I just organize them after I'm done using them they are still organized when I get back to them and when they need to be found. It's sad to say I didn't learn this lesson sooner (like in grade school or high school) but now my room is so purdy! And I am oh so proud that I jumped that hurdle and everything is finally pretty in here. Yey!

On another note I've been corresponding with someone and all I have to say on that subject is *swoon*. I'm enticed and amused. Good combo. More on that sooner or later. But just to put it out there - good butterflies in my tummy.

It's late and I'm tired. But before I go I have some thigns to say. Head over and congratulate puce. She got an agent! Oh and lbug not to worry, it's also so me to blow cash on a dress I have no event to even wear it to. But hey sometimes you just have to mess with the bull. You never know, you might not get the horns! And knowing you, you probably looked all bomdotcom in it. I don't know if I could ever partake of the fruit like bootylicious dooce, since I am such a PC whore myself but just reading about it makes me salivate a little. And yeah PG...sometimes life is just about finding that certain thing that you know is yours and that's there. Welcome to the club. It's good to be here isn't it? And Gingi stop those evil thoughts!

Yep I think I'm done.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t