2002-02-10 | 7:21 p.m.

Added a few more people to my word candy. If you haven't checked them out yet well please do, they have terrific diarylands.

I've decided to change my life. Yes that's a bold statement but if I'm not going to do it no one else will. And let's face it - it's about bloody time.

Life is never simple, I know that, but it's time I did something. And if all the world's a stage then it's time for the next act, or hell the next play. I've been very guarded about various things lately. After all I know from my past that showing my emotions have always been somewhat difficult for me. You see, I've never been the type of person who could easily share my fears, hopes, and desires with others. Even with the ones I trust. Hell especially with the people I trust. I've played pretend though, and let me tell you that pretending to show my emotions, on the other hand, has been surprisingly easy.

But now, now I'm going to stop. I'm going to let go of the baggage. I'm tired of carrying it with me for the ride. It's not useful. I'm not evolving or growing because of them. So I'm going to let it all go, watch as they float down the metaphorical river and dive away from me into some murky waters away. I don't need to deal with that anymore. It's all a mass of nothing. All the past that keeps tracking mud on your present's clean floor. There's no excuse for it. There's no reason for it either. You have to cut away before it slowly swallows you up whole. I keep reading friend's diaryland's and I realize how much baggage they probably carry. And I've realized that some of them carry theirs out of fear. It's easier to carry all that shit rather than just letting it all go. Because what would they or I be after all without it? Well it's time I find out. Time to dispense with the bullshit. Life is too short. September 11th taught that to me once again.

I'm not saying you forget what you've carried. I don't think anyone can. But I think that sometimes you have to let it go for your mental and physical sake. Because no one is going to do it but you. You can't keep shoveling the same stuff into yourself over and over again. If that keeps happening it just starts to eat you up. Devour you from the inside. I've made that discovery before in the past. And I think before I would have started to cry now. I would have slammed my fists on my table and cursed. But you know what? Sometimes, life doesn't work the way you want it to. It doesn't go along as nicely as you wished it would. Shit doesn't make sense. And yes the cruelest betrayals are the ones you never see coming. I will never know why something happened or why someone said one thing or another. Living in the coulda, woulda, shoulda world is also not a possibility. So I choose to live. To live and let that baggage go. And it won't fix everything wrong that's in my life but it's a start. A start that needs to be made. And make it I will. My life has been too modulated in terms of someone else's shadows. I'm done with that. It's time to stop and break it down so that I can acknowledge what the fuck I want out of life and what I'm willing to do to get just that. I'm going to take a leap and hope for the best, and yeah I might be crazy but a little crazy is what I just may need. Besides, not many people take that jump.

I didn't do anything this weekend apart from going out Friday night. The rest of my weekend has been spent just sleeping or relaxing. I've just been damn lazy really. But then again I think I deserve it though. After this past week of working hard, the more sleep I get, the better it is for me this week. Midweek L is opening up his new restaurant. The party is set already and all my friends will be there. I on the other hand may / may not go. Depends on how I feel. While I'm sure the festivities will be amazing I have to make sure I'm alert at work the next day - and going with no sleep is not something I can do to be alert at work the next day, so I'll see.

I've been downloading songs all day while reading my new book. Can't get better than that. I was going to go see OC (which I haven't seen yet and the fact that I haven't just ticks me off) but I walked outside and realized it was really pouring down and so I just decided that I should see it another day and stay in. Plus a new Alias and SATC will be on tonight so I want to watch those.

I'm done.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t