2002-02-11 | 10:40 p.m.

It's one thing to say you're gonna let go, it's another to actually do it. To loosen my grip and let myself fall. The truth is I can't be who I was before. I don't think I can ever go back to that person. I was compromising myself when I was like that. And I know that. I'm an emotional person. I can't hide that anymore. No matter how hard I try. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset or happy. I need to talk about how I'm feeling. I have to talk about how I'm feeling. This is who I am and I can't change it. Whether I like it or not this is me. I thought I needed to be strong. I thought I couldn't be anything else. But by being like that I made myself a coward. The silliest and possible the saddest part about all of this is that if I hadn't realized this now, one day I would. And I would realize what I missed out in life. So I guess being more open is ok. Better late than never after all.

I have no problem admitting this what so ever, because I'm sure there are others out there like me. I really hate the Olympics. There, I've said it. I liked watching it when I was younger for some strange reason, but now, now I hate them. I don't need to see all the footage that's on a continuous loop on TV. It's so annoying. While I'm sure all these 'star athletes' took their whole life to get where they are now, I still really don't give a fuck. I'd really rather see a new Will & Grace episode then have to watch people doing something at the Olympics. Thankfully I can pick up my book or download songs off on my computer, so all is not lost.

Valentines day is coming up soon. I really don't like that day at all. And before everyone starts to think 'oh no - not another bitter chick' let me just explain myself. I'm not bitter at all. I've never really gotten anything on valentines day so it's not like I have anything to hold up to a certain time to reminisce about. What I can say is that its fine if you get something sweet that makes someone you care for smile. It's not alright to have Hallmark along with numerous other brands force things down your throat. I'd rather take the day making someone smile for a reason other than because I was told to by cards and chocolate makers and people who cut flowers. Pulleezze! Which is probably why a select few people are getting a few things from me come Valentines Day. And only because I came across them before and it seems like the 14th would be a great day to make them smile. And indeed I think they will.

It was so cold out today. The wind was blowing so strongly that I thought both my ears would just drop off. On my way home though I lost an earring which saddens me. I've had it for a while and while it was just a simple hoop I've had it for a while. Oh well.

Time to end.

Later....



p r e v i o u s // n e x t