2002-03-05 | 12:10 p.m.

At the end of the day I don't want to not remember all the things I didn't do. All the things I didn't have time for, that just didn't seem proper or I didn't really care about at the time. Because I think those things are important now. Which is why I am taking steps into the unknown. I don't want to live with snapshots, the brief moments in time that happen are not what I want anymore. I want to be engulfed by it all. I want to swim in a sea of unknown. Which is why I feel like it's ok for me to be this selfish with myself. Hell...I've never been this selfish with myself!

I have a penchant for falling in love with the wrong man, for drowning myself in the sorrows of another. I know this now. I am stepping away from that pattern. I am choosing to milk the seed of happiness rather than regret. I don't need men that are weak anymore. I don't need them to be too brooding, too needy, too arrogant, and too selfish. I'm a romantic at heart. I'd rather never admit it to anyone � even me, but you know I need a man who is not afraid to come for me. Who would follow me to the ends of the earth and let me know that he's done so. Who'll stand in front of me and hand over his heart without expectation, bitterness, or condition. So I�m starting on a new path with menz. I�m breaking new ground and experiencing.

You know I believe in our own free will's. I believe that we are responsible for all of our choices and that the decisions we make have the power to change our paths. But, and this is a BIG but, I also believe that some things are inevitable. Some things are meant for one to experience and there's very little one can do to avoid experiencing them. There are certain things that I will do, certain people that I will know, no matter what. I don't usually recognize them, but they are there. If I take the time to pay attention, it becomes obvious.

Which is why, in all of my hurt and yes anger before, when it came to PG, G, R718, and CG I never saw it. Never saw that yes they did change me. Some times for the better. Some times for the worst. But from now on I can honestly begin to appreciate all that they showed me. Which is why they're back on my word candy list. Although they, just as much as I have moved on, I can still appreciate the past. It will most likely never come again but the past is the past. I guess I just needed to stop for a minute and let it all catch up with me. The reasoning and rational. Running on steam is nothing but empty. And I was tired of feeling something that really wasn�t important in the grander scheme of things. It�s not that they are unimportant people. No, its just that compared to the rest of my life they were a brief interlude.

I have to get my mother�s birthday gift this week. I�ll switch what I got her from Links of London to the other thing she wanted from Links of London. It�s a little bit more expensive but she�s worth it. She�s my mom after all. Thursday I might have a date. Not sure yet. Friday I go out for happy hour with old chums. It�s all good. That�s what I�m basically feeling. It�s all just good. Finally getting to this point I know what glory feels like.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t