2002-03-11 | 3:00 p.m.

Dealing with menz this weekend I realized what I�m looking for. And maybe it�s impossible but a girl can dream. And this girl isn�t dreaming, but hopefully one day that special someone will come.

And if you don�t believe in the prince charming fantasy please don�t be a kill joy for me, and burst my bubble. I do. Except I work to get what I want instead of expecting someone to hand it to me on a platter. So yeah, that special someone will come. Sooner or later � I don�t know when yet, and I doubt I will when it does happen being that I'm completly oblivious to shit like that.

Anyways...

I�ve decided on a few things. I want someone to make me laugh. I want someone to see through all the crap I put up to stop people from getting too close. I want someone to challenge me. And, I want him to make my life more interesting to live life every day. It�s not like I�m going to throw myself over a bridge if he doesn�t, I�d just like him to know something I don�t and be able to teach me and make me learn new things every day. Make me be surprised with the little things and the big things in life. And yeah, it seems like a lot, but when I really think about it � its not.

And I ponder this now, because 6 months ago I barely thought about it. But now, now that I�m making sure to live life to the fullest every minute I realize I want company while I�m doing so. I want to have that hand to hold, lips to kiss, arms to be engulfed in. I want it all along with embracing my life every minute of the day. And one day soon I�m hoping things will click and that will begin to happen.

I know people who are going to watch the two light towers being turned on. I know I should go and watch with them. But my heart, my heart hasn�t healed yet. It�ll take longer than 6 months to be able to go down there and not break.

While I�ve been told its ok to break with a tragedy such as this, I�d rather not. I want to be able to go down there and be able to walk around and hold my head high and not cry. I don�t want to look around and stumble to my knees and throw my hands to my face trying to cover the tears I know will surely come. So I won�t go. And I�ll get stares from the same one�s who lost the loved one�s I lost. But I don�t care. I don�t care what they think. I care what I feel. I care what I think. And there�s a time and a place for everything.

The time has not yet come for me and I won�t subject myself to it yet if I don�t have to. I refuse to. I don�t need to pour salt in the wounds. They aren�t healed and they aren�t going anywhere at all. In cab rides home late at night I still catch the tears. Tears for people who meant so much to me and yet were taken from me without the possibility of me being able to say a single fucking word. So I�m not going to go, and I don�t care what they think and I�m going to take my time with this bundle of raw nerves because its not going anywhere for a while.

To end on a happier note. This makes me smile especially since I love all that is Drew B.:

Not much more to say today.

Snooches.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t