2002-03-14 | 11:53 p.m.

Sometimes I feel as if I�ve missed out. Which is why I think a lot of the times I�m trying to make up for the past. I used to get really depressed trying to compensate for it all. But now, now things have changed. I�m not missing any opportunities. In fact I think I�m doing pretty well. And while experiencing or trying to experience all those opportunities were somewhat cool at the time I just don�t feel the need to live with all that exaggerated intensity. It can�t be healthy what so ever. So I�ve broken away from that way of living. From the constant parties, excess boozing, the smoking of ciggi�s, people watching and people bitching. It�s not that I want to give it all up you see because I like being somewhat of a Karen. But I think I�ve mellowed out. I�ve reached a level of not caring, of doing for me rather than doing for others. I�m getting healthier both mentally and physically.

Last night when I stepped on my scale I noticed I had lost two pounds. Two pounds! That�s nothing in the bigger picture of how much I want to lose eventually, but its something in the smaller picture of my day to day life where I see all my pants & skirts getting looser around my Shamu belly.

Mentally I realize that I�m an extremely emotional person. Before I used to do things at the drop of a hat. Say things and look at people differently when they told me the wrong word. I�d be an anger ball like I was before with Kwazyboy or just hurt and then angry with PG and the rest of them. I�d call them stupid and be bitter in my own little anger ball. But there is so much to this life. So much that one person cannot hold a grudge to another.

You know why? Each and every person you meet teaches you something. And yes its hurtful when your thinking they�re your friends but they really don�t give you the time of day, but you learn to move on from there. You learn to put it past you. To live and to learn. I don�t need sympathetic relationships always to grow and learn. I can deal with the one�s that hurt me in some ways. Because along with the hurt comes the growth of my experience.

And yeah, I�ve always wanted to be aloof, pretending to be somewhat I�m not. Indifferent to whatever may come, but it�s not me. I�m not detached. No matter how hard I want to impress others with that sense, well I�m not. And yes granted, while I can be completely impulsive, I am still one cool chica. To put it in a cheesy way I�m a �loving soul with a great deal of inherent feeling.� And yes while super cheesy it�s true, and I�m not going to keep myself from being happy anymore. Too much luggage for me to carry so some of it is going to be thrown to sea. There was just too much of a fierce & frantic intensity before. It�s just time for me to relax and let things naturally turn out like they are supposed to. Like I am.

I went out with my family tonight for a fancy shmancy dinner at some fancy shmancy french restaurant. I could name drop but I don't really buggerin' care enough to do so. Anyways we had a lovely meal and stuffed ourselves. But we had a reason to do so. Today my mom turned 57 years old! And she looks no younger than 40. I swear! Such a cutie. I could gush on and on about my mom because she is one amazing woman. But I won't. It was just a great night. For the first time in a long time my brother and I didn't argue about stupid bullshit, we joked, we all laughed, we talked. It was such a nice night. And my mom loved the ring I bought her from Links of London and the Godiva truffles and the flowers. She was all teary about it, so friggen cute. I took photos but heh...that's a little too personal so they won't be up on here at all. Good times people - really good times.

But as I promised here are a couple of photo's. They're all from MTV because I have yet to have a photo booth in my place and no sadly there aren't any music/tv/movie people knocking at my door to take pictures from it. Still, enjoy...I did, and hopefully you will too.

Oh Allen, you saucy thing you!

Jennifer showing off her monkey face.

Chris sleeping.

Hillary making sure the do isn't a dud.

Oh John how I love you so!

Whatcha talkin' 'bout?

Last but not least my boys, my lovely boys - Tenacious D!

I'll be adding a few more tomorrow, just for the hell of it. But be prepared, I plan on taking a buttload of pictures this weekend and they're all going to be on here.

Snooches!



p r e v i o u s // n e x t