2002-04-02 | 12:21 p.m.

Am I the only one thinking that the world is a powder keg waiting to explode? I understand that one should move on with their lives and that it will eventually get better, or at least this is what I�m told recently by many. But hello - have we all forgotten what�s happening in the middle east?

Am I the only one who�s still tense? Still waiting for the other shoe to drop here in the US? Logically I tell myself that nothing would happen again in NYC because everyone is on the look out still. And yet every time I see a jet or a helicopter passing overhead I flinch. I don�t know if it will ever go away, the reaction. I was hoping it would but I feel selfish in just admitting it. Because the reaction stems from dead friends and a tragic day, so why should I want to forget it?

The war that�s happening in another part of the world is going to have an effect to what happens to the rest of us. To me, to you, and to everyone else. It�s like this vicious cycle and it hasn�t stopped and I fear it will only grow worse in time because there are extremists who are willing to die for what they believe. And I�m scared. I admit it. I�m fucking scared. I can�t sleep quite right yet because I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking I hear noises that I should be worried about. And when I do sleep I am awakened by horrible nightmares. And while I�ve found closure for my dead friends and I�ve grieved for them there are still instances when I have to bite down on my lip to choke back the tears.

I�ve heard with time the pain will lessen but that�s seems so selfish, just so fucking selfish � no matter how much I would like for it to happen. And so I�m torn. Torn because everyone around me seems to go about their lives. And I, well I take it a day at a time.

Which is why I�m fed up with a lot of shit. Why I�m not happy. Why I�m scared and anxious and sad. Why I�m angry also. Why I can�t seem to be too social because I fear to be in groups. And I know that sounds mad but I�ve said no to various activities in the past months because I didn�t feel like being that social barfly I used to be. Because it just seems so fucking pointless. To go out and have cocktails and chat like there�s nothing going on when there�s a war going on that could possibly change all of our lives.

And I�m not trying to be a drama queen about it. Really I�m not. I�m trying to live every day and not think of all the what ifs and maybes. But it�s hard, really hard. And I guess this entry is the one where I just let it all hang out. Where I feel desperate enough to really pick up all my shit and go home to Rio. But I know that wouldn�t solve a damn thing. If I run away my problems will still follow me there. And I�m tired, people. I�m just tired and fed up.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t