2002-04-13 | 2:06 p.m.

Another day, another movie. This time around the new Cameron Diaz flick. It was pleasant but I think I've seen it before...oh yes, I have - it's called Something About Mary, or was it Charlies Angels?! Jizz? Check! Booty Dancing? Check! Friends talking about sex? Check! A chick flick? Check. Seriously people, typical chick flick. Nothing's changed. It was pleasant, I'm not saying it wasn't. It's just the same old thing for the girl, no stretch acting wise what so ever. Then again it's not like I was expecting a masterpiece anyways.

Moving on...

I won the bids on my lovely HK purchases. Yep, go ahead, drool as much as I did when I first checked them out. And yep these babies will all be used at work where I can bring on da funk, bring on da hello kitty noise. Yeah baby!

So I came home and watched some Dark Angel and then jumped in the shower, got ready and went out. It's been too long since I've actually done just that. I needed to let go a little. Too much pent up frustration. Too many thoughts swimming in my head. So cocktails were necessary, and indeed I imbibed in them.

I actually came home at an early time. I was in bed by 1:30 in the morning. Usually I'm out till at least 4 or 5. Well I used to be. It's just that lately I don't feel like going out that much. I like being cautious with my time. I like having lots of it to do what I want and not stress or actually do much. I think it's because going out is just the same old shit but on a different night. I can pretty much say that I've had enough with it. It's been done. Overplayed to a point. I don't want to hang out and have drinks because you end up meeting the same people and some of them are just bogus and superficial and full of shit. I don't want to be in or around those ridiculous situations anymore. There's no point to them what so ever. If you think about it, when your out, at least in NYC you end up seeing the same people. And it's not like your friends with them. It just so happens that sometimes you frequent the same establishments. And those said establishments are just pompous. And it's not because they have the velvet ropes outside, no not at all, I don't go to those suckha places. What I'm talking about is lounges and even dives. Same crowd just a different day. And I know there's more to my life than this. I don't want to get caught in that cycle anymore. I like knowing that I'm not like every other party chaser and I am trying to work at something, anything.

Which is why I blew off Wednesday's namedropping party. Why I have this friends birthday party that I'm seriously thinking of ditching on Thursday because honestly it's not I'm down with this chick all the time. I know her but I don't know her that much. Her birthday party is also on Thursday which is a bad for me. Week night's mean me going home, eating dinner, watching some TV then going to bed. I have no shame in my game and I'm not afraid to stay home. In fact I enjoy it. It's refreshing compared to what's out there when you do go out. I'm not hating on anyone who does go out, I just think I'm done with that. It's overplayed for me. I'm choosing to move on and do something else, maybe something different. Who knows? Al I do know is that I'm sure I'll have fun finding out.

I am so cranky and emotional right now. Bah...I hate surfing the crimson wave. I feel a little like Jeckyl & Hyde. I never know just how I'm going to be feeling. Not cool. I'm glad to be home though because being at work and feeling like this would blow big time.

Because of my constant need now to re-charge and find myself more. Find something fulfilling that will make me feel better about stuff in general I've decided to do a few things. In stead of escaping into the world of food and fun as I used to I am going to try and starve myself a little. And when I say starve myself I mean a diet. I'm going to try and cut back on everything that I eat that is bad for me. Which is a shitload of stuff since I do enjoy me some good junk food. But you know what? I think I'm tired of looking in the mirror and looking at my flabbiness. So instead I am cutting back. I am going to walk more and not take the easy way out, and take that bus coming home. I am going to do this. I am going to get down to a smaller size.

Being this fat is ridiculous. Although people say that we've all broken out of certain labels when you see a fat girl or a fat boy you automatically crack a joke or pity them. And I'm tired of getting certain looks. Tired of shopping in stores for fat people. There's nothing wrong with being fat and enjoying yourself. But there is something wrong with being fat and hating yourself. And while I don't hate myself I am just fed up with going into stores, liking stuff and not being able to buy it. And if I do buy it it's like size Shamu the Killer whale. So yeah, that is over. Starting Monday I am eating salads at lunch and walking home instead of taking that damn bus or subway. Let's face it no one thinks fat is beautiful. Actually it's repulsive. So this chubby chick is busting a move and making sure that when I'm through I have the body I want. And that's going to be a thing waist and tight body. Both my cousins have it and they both have similar body frames to mine. So if they can have slamming bodies so can I. And I will. Why? Because I'm a persistent bitch when I want to be.

And I'm done. Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t