2002-04-15 | 11:31 p.m.

I had a talk with a girlfriend today. A girlfriend who used to be a model. I love her and I hate her at the same time. The girl is killer. So I told her of my whole theory and she told me that I can slim down to a size 0 but that still won't help if I'm not happy. And true, you have to be happy with yourself to be happy with the world around you but hi she's tiny and has a perfect rack and abs so it's not like it's tough for her. Meanwhile fatty mc'fatty over here is a completely different matter. She doesn't cry when she looks at her body, I do.

And yes I know I really need to be satisfied with my body image. When I read fashion magazines and watch movies I get so frustrated. I dream of being a smaller size. Of having a flat stomach. Of having toned limbs. And instead, when I look in the mirror all I see is flab and fat. And I know I'm obese. But those thoughts are pushed aside when I eat something I like. It's almost as if I have a confidence button at times. I can push it and think "yeah girl you rock" while I eat like a huge plate of pasta. After though I feel stuffed and I realize that what I've just eaten is only adding to my fat. It's so revolting. Which is why I want to start trying to starve myself a little. I am just trying to delete every fatty food from my diet. The only thing I will allow myself is soda. Anything else won't go near my lips. And I'm hoping that might work. And if it does I'm going to make it work till I hit like a size 2 or 4. I'm not stopping till I reach those numbers. Even if I have to literally starve, I am so going down to those smaller sizes if it kills me.

Today was hot. Muggy hot. And I stayed in all day. I kept the overhead light in my office off. I opened the window and closed the blinds. I worked through a lot of pain as I typed away at the piles of paperwork I needed to do. Nothing like being hot and suffering from cramps and a backache to boot. Ahh the joy of surfing the crimson wave. Really it's a pleasure.

*urgh*

I walked home in the same muggy weather. My hair pulled back into a ponytail. My light coat in my bag. I had forgotten to bring in my discman which sucked but I people watched as I walked. I have to admit that there are a lot of weird styles out there, especially over spring and summer. And I wonder how some women can walk around in the highest of high heels. My feet hurt from just looking at them.

I stopped in at H&M and bought the denim bag I had wanted to. A regular small tote. I plan on crafting it up my style. I am definitely taking out the butt ugly patch sewn on the corner and working my magic. It's such a comfy bag that I know I'll use it a lot over the summer. Plus in my head I know it's got mega potential.

And that's it for my day.



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