2002-04-16 | 9:52 p.m.

What you get is sometimes not what you want. I realize this. And you know this whole issue with my body image stemmed from some assehole comment I heard at a bar when I wasn't willing to hook up with an idiot. I should have let it go, but somehow his nasty comments clung to me like ash from a flicked ciggarette. You always try to shake them away but sometimes they cling to you and leave a mark.

I have curves for a reason. Yes I am chubbier than what I wish I could be, but I can work on that. And indeed I will. I don't need to be stick thin, and I won't ever be like CF or LFB or CD and that's ok. They are beautiful but so is DB and RM who have curves. Curves are a good thing and thanks to some assehole I forgot that. For the past couple of days I have been tormenting myself about this when I shouldn't be. So yeah, I'm going to let this go, because its just as unhealthy as starving myself. What I will do though is make sure I do continuous exercise and not falter. And try to eat a little less. Because the more steps I take, in the end the better I will feel about myself when I look in the mirror.

Hot day in the city today. I almost melted coming home. I'm just not ready for this heat yet. And I don't know where spring went, it feels as if we jumped from winter to summer. One moment I was wearing my winter coat and the next I'm wearing sandals and trying not to melt. It didn't help that there was no AC at work today in the early part of the day because it was broken. Thankfully they got it fixed soon and quickly enough blessed cool air hit my arms and the back of my neck. And while it was refreshing it still didn't really do anything for me. I had started feeling like ass from the time I stepped into work. I knew I should have called in sick because honestly the cramps and back pain were so painful I just wanted to stay in a fetal position. But I came in to work and did the bulk of what I had to do. I left an hour earlier thanks to a rocking female boss who told me to go home and take it easy for the remaining part of the day because she understands the curse of the crimson wave. Which is fine, because I did as soon as I got home.

My dad fixed my watch. The one with the metal band. I'm going to start wearing it again because the new one I got over Christmas leaves a black mark around my wrist. The strap is suede and since it's hot out I guess my pulse sweats a little thus creating a nice dark black ring around my wrist. So I'm switching to the watch I used to wear all the time for a bit. It's all good, especially now that it's fixed.

If tomorrow is as hot as it was today I am wearing a skirt and sandals. Too bad I can't wear flip flops because I would be all over that. I love me the flip flops. But I can't wear them to work because I'm sure the head honcho's deemed them completely unprofessional. Which they are. But still. Damn the man, I wish I could still wear them!

Oh!!!! If anyone knows of a good sunless tanning cream or lotion or spray (whatever) please let me know. I'm a bit scared to buy one because I fear the orange tint to my skin if I use the wrong one. So if anyone knows anything about it, please drop me a line on my guestbook or email . I'd totally appreciate it. Especially since I'm completely clueless when it comes to that product. I just want something you can put on your skin to make it look like you've caught some sunshine. So yeah, drop me a line if you know.

My dad is super cool. He got me a new webcam. The one I used to use is a trick ass biatch because she flipped out and stopped when I updated to XP. Screw it though, I'm getting a nicer one and snap, it's less expensive than the bizatch I originally purchased. So yeah, CAM pics will be updating regularly again, thanks to the sweet ass webcam I will be getting soon. So be prepared, when I get it I'll be the suckah taking tons of photos. (You know I loves me the spotlight anyways, so whatever, it's old news.)

So I totally blew tomorrow nights party off. It's not like it's a big hoopla. It's only to celebrate something and really if I don't show up it's not like I'll be sorely missed. Plus I think I'd honestly like to come home and rest more than party on a week night. And from the looks of it I might show face for the shindig on Thursday. I'm not sure though. I probably will though only because I think it's shitty if I don't. Especially since she invited me too. It'll be too shady so I'll probably show my face for a drink or two. No more than that though. I need my beauty sleep after all.

And that's it. Nothing more to say.

Oh no wait, thanks PG for clearing up my music question. Obviously I had to ask you because your a rockstar after all and I was pretty sure you would know what the deal was. So yeah, thanks.

And that's it.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t