2002-04-20 | 9:38 p.m.

It's been a weird and yet insightful two days.

On Thursday went out to that friends birthday party. I should have stayed home. I was told to be there at around 8:30 because the birthday surprise guests were getting there after 9:15. I should have realized though that this was A speaking thus meaning I should of just gotten there at 10. Played nice with a few people and left. Instead I was there at 8:30 and stood around and drank with a bunch of people I didn't know. Wasn't fun. Flying solo while waiting for friends in a small bar filled with people isn't as amusing as it may sound. Sure I could have tried to reach out and start conversations but everyone looked like a carbon copy of each other and they all knew each other and it felt off. So I waited around till the birthday girl showed up. Hugged her, chatted a bit. Finished my drink and then A showed up with S and A's friend and I mingled briefly with them and then left. I wasn't bothered in staying for any longer. Frankly I didn't give a toss and I felt a little left out of the whole night. When my supposed friends got there they talked amongst themselves and I was left standing around them like an idiot. So I left.

Friday I went to the movies after work with K my co-worker and we had a good time as usual. It's turning to be a habit. Movies every Friday after work. And honestly it's so nice to do just that. I'm catching up on a bunch of movies that I want to see and since K is similar to me personality wise we are having a blast together when we do go out.

After the movie on Friday night I rushed home and showered and changed and met up with M & N at N's house. We were going out to celebrate M's last weekend in New York City since he has packed up his shit and is moving to Boston. By the time I got there they were buzzed. By the time we left N was already a bit of a sloppy drunk. I didn't say a thing though because ususally nights when she's like that turn amusing for me. We hit a few places on the upper east side. M didn't feel like going downtown because basically he's just done with that scene, and hey who could blame him?! So we ended up at a gay piano bar. Which was fun. We downed drinks while listening to selections from Cher and musicals. Always entertaining. We talked. We drank. And at the end we all hugged each other hard. It's sort of an end of an era when it comes to us three. We know M will be back but it's not the same. And while I will miss him I know N will miss him more. It's ok though because we made definite plans, which may or may not happen, to go to Boston and bring down that town a notch or two our style.

Oh and I bought myself a watch too on Friday! I should mention that because I'm in love with it too. But come on, take a look. It's so damn cute! And the backlight is red. Red! You can't ask for anything better than that, people! (Bonus also since it was only $22!)

As I said my two days have been insightful. I've realized something very important. I am not going to take "friends" so seriously anymore. I've had enough of getting hurt from minor things that I think I'm done with the whole thing. Rather than isolating myself I am just going to ignore behavior and people that frustrate me. For example, when someone calls me and asks me to go out, if I don't feel like it I'll just say no. Because it's alright to say no and I don't have to jump up and run to meet them every time. Take that party on Thursday. I should have just not gone. My gut instinct told me not to. I still went. And I kinda felt stupid for going because it was a pointless night for me. Next time around I can and will say no when the gut instincts kick in. And if those "friends" can't deal then they weren't "friends" to begin with. So yeah, deal with it or bust a move. And it's me time. Because frankly I'm adjusting that spotlight and putting it back onto me. I deserve it and no one else is going to take it away from me.

With that said my Saturday is niiiiice. Woke up late. Had a nice leisurely breakfast. Cleaned up my room which was a mess and now everything is in order and looking pretty. I putzed around not doing much at all. Watched a few things on TV and read more of my book. Managed to install my new webcam too so I'll be playing with it soon. Basically I just had a very nice day where I just laid low. I might do something tonight although I think it's highly doubtful I will. I've settled in and am so comfortable that I think when my friends call I'll just excuse myself for the night. I've got new DVD's to watch since My DVD club purchases came in and I have yet to watch Wet Hot American Summer that I got recently. So my night of movie watching should be interesting if I stay put. Which is something I'm seriously thinking about right now. I'll see though. Depends on how the night turns out to be.

And that's it for right now. Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t