2002-04-21 | 10:38 p.m.

I feel sometimes, like the floor is running away beneath my feet and all I can do is wait here and hope someone will catch me before I fall. But there is no one, for miles around.

I know that I'm a shell of the woman I began this game of life as. I think that sometimes it�s too much. And it is. And I wonder why I have had to bear it all. Because it's a lot to handle, especially within 25 years of age. And no, it doesn't get easier with age, it hasn't yet for all I know. There is too much truth out in the world. It's a frightening concept. Sad almost. and yes, I know that I am strong, intelligent, and brave. But I am also a person at the end of a very frayed rope; and I have been, for a long time.

How much can I even expect myself to do anymore? I tell myself that I don't know and it's ok. Which is why I take it a day at a time. Which I do, as I try, every day.

People don't tell you this, but you know what? Love isn�t enough. Love doesn�t save you. Love does not triumph. Love does not conquer all. That is sentimental bullshit. I've loved other's with a fire that I can still feel if I close my eyes and remember hard enough. But what did it ever get me?

It doesn�t do much good at all for me now. I tell myself it's all based on experiences but I wonder what these experiences will ever lead me to. I don�t know who I am, so how can I begin to expect it all to be alright at the end of the day, as long as I stick to my guns?

This year has been horrendous for me. It's ripped me into shreds. What is left, after the ripping, crumbles slowly, and leaves a trail for anyone who wants to follow. Which no one does.

So I feel like I have no passion within me. And I look around and wonder at how people can go on by with their lives and realize how the world is changing as they buy their groceries or go out at night. How pointless everything like that is, in the bigger picture. I am not fine anymore. I don't think I have been for a while. And I don't know what else to say or do that will explain it any better.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t