2002-04-25 | 2:39 p.m.

All I've ever really wanted in life, and I don't think it's much to ask for, is to have a decent set of friend(s). A reassuring group of people or person, that was there for me when life got overloaded and too demanding. Someone who would listen when immature people tried to drag me down to their levels. Someone who would still be there for me telling me that I should be strong because things would pass, and it would get better.

It's not a big thing to want in the bigger picture. But unfortunately, I have to agree with what I read once in Gingi's diary. She wrote: "I adore many, love few, and need none." The truth of the matter is that I am like that completely. I've been burned so many times with people I thought I could call as friends. This is probably why I've always felt like I've spent my life as a continuous observer. I never seem to know how to connect well with others because if I start giving then I end up giving so much. I neglect myself completely. I never manage to have the courage to stand up for myself. I'd like to say I've always been snarky and had a backbone that I wouldn't allow anyone to step on me. But the truth is that I've never felt like I had that power within me.

But last night as I walked home crying, after returning from watching Amelie near work, I realized it's about time. I need to bring in good people into my life. I can't keep dealing with the type of people I am now. Because you know what? They are all mad. I'm tired of always having to deal with drama or stress coming from people I call friends. Friends aren't supposed to act like that, as I explained before. I felt like a complete tool for crying while walking home. Honestly I feel like a dumbass for investing so much of my time with people that obviously weren't worth it to begin with. It begins now though. Things are going to change.

Rain keeps pouring down outside and the noise of all those fire trucks unnerve me. A building exploded due to a boiler explosion. We got the news early because a couple of the men that work for the company I work for knew about it as soon as they called the trucks. Word of mouth spreads a lot faster when you work in the cleanup industry. Lucky for this company that no one that we work with got hurt. Allegedly we used to work in the building. Everyone here blew out a sigh of relief when we found where one of the guys that used to be over there all the time was. Unnerving like I said. It�s not terrorist activity but things like that still get my heart racing within seconds.

Tomorrow is Friday. I can�t wait to be able to sleep in late and not have to run out of bed to make sure I cannot fit in all my morning rituals and not be late for one thing or another. Plus sleeping in late is the best feeling.

Back to work I go, because while I wish it were Friday it�s not, and I have a huge project to have ready by Monday.

Later�



p r e v i o u s // n e x t