2002-04-28 | 9:20 p.m.

In May I was all set to go to LA. I was supposedly going to use my brothers airmiles to go. But now that's not possible. And while it sucks I realize that maybe this just wasn't my time to go. It's fine. I can plan ahead for another long weekend when I know I will be there thanks to myself, and not anyone else. It's just frustrating when you don't get something you've been wanting. Like a kid who doesn't have enough cash for the candy in the store and still stares at it as it's encased away from her hands. It sucks for me now, but eventually when I get there the experience will be sweeter.

I woke up Saturday knowing things needed to be changed. So I butchered down my room. Took everything out and either re-organized it or threw it out. One woman doesn't need that much clutter in her life. And there's something great about getting rid of a lot of material possessions that I've realized makes my life nothing but cluttered. The more I do away with the less I have to deal with. I also need to stop spending money on crap. I've managed to spend too much money on just that. And in the end, whatever I did end up buying really didn't mean a damn. So enough is enough. It's time to change and I'm working on it.

The friend, that apparently is friend no more, hasn't emailed me back from my honest email. She posed all these questions to me and then when I answered point by point she kinda wigged out and went off on another tangent that has no point what so ever to the here and now. When I then replied and asked her why she didn't reply to my email where I answered her points she didn't say or do a damn thing. Haven't heard from her in days. And part of me knows why. She's crazy. Plus she called me delusional. I love that. Meanwhile I want to call up Bellevue and let them know where they can pick her up. It doesn't matter though because I've cut her off. It needed to be done. Obviously she didn't really give a toss enough about the friendship in the first place. And honestly I'm done dealing with the lunatics. I'm sticking to the normal few friends I do have.

Trying to deal with removing all the stuff I really don't need I am selling stuff on Ebay. If anyone is interested please feel free to go check it out. As you can see there's a link to the right hand side of here that will take you directly there. I'm hoping I make some buck out of it, nothing major but some buck would be great. I was going to do that with my bags and clothes but honestly I'm sure there are other people who need this in shelters much more than someone on ebay so I didn't do it.

Anyways...

Saturday night was amusing. I met up with N for some fun. We ended up downtown at Lucky Cheng's. I had never been in there before and found it hysterical. First I was introduced to a bunch of drag queens because N knew one called Mistress Formica and another called Tony. Then there was karaoke and that was hysterical. Kwazyboy came around also and managed to finagle himself up the stage a few times as well. I'm ashamed to admit it also because I went up and did I Touch Myself with N. but it was so much fun and it was so cheesy as well that I really didn't feel that embarrassed to begin with. It was all good times. We ended up at Max Fish for one last drink after and then chomped down on some tasty food at 7A. For a girl who was just expecting to go out locally and hit a few spots uptown and then come home early being a little buzzed I was happily surprised to be coming back home at 5am, buzzed beyond belief and dying to do nothing but sleep. I hadn't been out like that in a while. Just to have fun. It was nice.

Today I didn't do a damn thing. Watched a movie and read a little. Slept a little also, not as much as I wanted to, but hey you take what you can get. At night I watched The X Files as usual. It was exciting since it's coming down to the last few episodes and so all the episodes are chock filled with good stuff. Well I consider it a good time if I'm agitated like I'm on speed or something. If I get very excited then it's a good episode and tonight's episode was very cool. A lot of Gillian moments which is always fun for me since I think she's the bombdotcom.

This weekend I took steps in changing. I will always have to be and I won't ever let anyone undermine me. I've done that for far too long and frankly it's time I seek out my own happiness instead of let someone control me. You can't push my buttons if I don't allow you to. If they're aren't visible for you to push. Things are done and I'll move on. Sometimes life challenges you and makes you realize that what you really need to do is find your happiness. And what I was doing and who I was being was not making me happy. So I feel as if I've come to a point in my life where I have to let things go to make me happy. And that's ok, because for the first time in my life I realize that I don't need a friend or a set of friends to be the "perfect" friends. There will never be that and I won't ever have to seek it out anymore. You have to be happy with your own self, that's all. And that's all I'll care about from now.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t