2002-05-02 | 3:19 p.m.

You know what? I'm a fatass. No, hear me out. I'm really a big fatass. I'm pretty sure I've gotten fatter. And honestly while I pretend I don't care, I really do. I cannot stay this fat for the rest of my life. I know I could look good if I were thinner. I know I would be a hell of a lot healthier than I am now. Because frankly, what I am now is a piss poor excuse. It's one thing to be big boned and healthy, it's another to just be fat and continue on that path. I'm going to get older and this fat is going to weigh me down even more than it is now. And you know while I know trying to be as thin as Calista Flockhart is never going to happen, well maybe I can just tone myself down to the body that can still hold it's curves but be limber and muscular at the same time. I can dream of having the hard as nails body as JG or JA but honestly it's not going to happen. I'm always going to be me. I'm trying so hard to be someone else, that I forget I'm me. I'm not that person. I'm never going to be that person. I will always reach for my dreams, but this time around I'm going to make sure I don't slip on the nonsense.

So the goal is for me to change, because obviously what I have going right now is not working for me. Both physically and emotionally. Physically I'm just a train wreck waiting to happen and emotionally, well shit all I have to do is look in the mirror and think 'whoa...here comes shamu the killer whale.' So yeah, it's time to do something about that. Because if I don't do it now I have a feeling that down the line it will only get harder to do just that. My goal is to get rid of 100 pounds. Because honestly I need to. I'm carrying a lot of fat around me. And while I always joke that I'm supporting my Buddha belly, yeah it's time to stop that. Because obviously I lack the wisdom Buddha had in his plump self. So no more Buddha belly. It's time to dump that.

I went into work knowing that I should of just stayed home. I then came back at around noon after having hustled through a pile of work on my desk. I just don't like knowing that I have all that stuff waiting for me. So I went in, took care of business and then came home. I think I overdo it sometimes because I am just feeling like ass. I should of stayed home and in bed. The rain that I caught this morning did me no good. But I'm home now so I'm going to make the best of it by lying down and taking a nap.

Later...



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