2002-05-05 | 10:49 a.m.

This is the thing. I'm literally fed up. Fed up with living here. Fed up with my life. Just fed up. Right now I feel as if I am boxed in. Everytime I think I am taking steps into whatever direction I want to go I land back on my ass 9 steps behind. It's been almost 2 years since I've graduated out of college and I have yet no fucking clue what I want to do in life. Who I want to become. What career I want to pursue. Also living in this city is not easy for me anymore. It used to be when I first got here. I used to smile out my window and tell myself that yeah, I was living in New York Fucking city. But you know what? That just doesn't cut it for me anymore. I was told by our family lawyer that I have to swear in to become a citizen on the day of my birthday. June 14th. And you know what? I don't like it one bit. It's not that being an American isn't cool, as I'm sure it is. But you know what? I'm not sure I want to live here anymore. I've been having these internal battles with myself. Should I move back to Rio to be by my family, should I go to London alone and experience it all over again, or should I go to LA again and give it one more try? As much as I've thought about it I'm not happy with any of my conclusions. I'm fed up and I have no fucking clue what I want to do anymore. I don't feel any passion towards anything right now. I literally feel as if the life inside of me has been sucked out. That's not cool what so ever.

I went out for 2 drinks last night with N. We spoke and I listened to her and had a pleasant time. But walking home from the upper east side (by choice mind you) I realized that it's been way too long since I went out at night and just had a fucking awesome time. Coming home in a cab and telling myself as I stuck my head out the window, 'damn that was a fucking awesome night.' It's been so long that I'm afraid I can't even remember anymore. And that's not cool either. Because there used to be a time when I could have a good time going out. Now when I'm out I feel as if drinking or socializing is just frikken pointless. Oh sure I can go to a movie with a co-worker and be sarcastic and funny because really that's just me wearing my mask. That's not happy Joana, that's just Joana playing pretend she's funny and happy. And you know what? I've had it. I've had enough. It's not worth it. I don't feel like it's worth it anymore.

Silly things bother me too. You'll laugh about this, and I'm sure it is laughable but you know when I was looking online at all the shows that are ending and are being axed I was frustrated too. Because a large part of me watches way too much TV. And I recognize that. But it still doesn't mean I'm frustrated that The X Files, Felicity, Dark Angel, and the Family Guy are either gone or getting the ax. I tell myself I still have Alias to watch and then I realize what a dork I am and I feel even more stupid for thinking those things to begin with.

I know this sounds like I'm going nutty butty but you know I've been putting up such a nice facade, a mask that now I'm just tired of holding it up. I don't have the strength to do it anymore, and even if I did I don't think I would want to. I tell myself I have to change. I have to take steps in changing. But apart from being able to gain control of my weight I don't know what else I could change. Because I don't know what to change to. Who should I become when I don't know myself anymore?

I usually try to be enthusiastic about everything. I tell myself stuff can only get better when things are crappy. But how can they get better now when I don't even know what better would be? It's as if I worked hard all through high school and college to somehow be rewarded with something I actually wanted to do and now I feel as if I am left not knowing what to do let alone who to be. It's so frustrating. And I don't want to throw in the towel because that's not me to do so, but I have no clue what I want anymore. Absolutely no frikkken clue.

I tried to take pictures last night and everything came out strange. But the cam link is updated and I will be updating it even more now. Well I hope to update it more, given the free time.

I have nothing more to say so I'm out.

Later...



p r e v i o u s // n e x t