2002-05-07 | 10:46 p.m.

June 8th I'm going to go see a rock show at Jones Beach. I've never been to Jones Beach and the rock show sounds interesting, even though it's not my cup of tea. But it doesn't matter though because it's all about changes right now. So this concert I'm going to see is the K-Rocks dysfunctional family picnic, and so far from what I've heard the bands playing will be: Korn, Hoobastank, Incubus, Papa Roach, POD, The Strokes and System of a Down. I've heard of these bands on and off but I'm not a big fan of any of them. It's still something different to do while experiencing it with new people so it's no biggie for me. I think I'll enjoy it since every concert I've been to I've enjoyed. And frankly it's about time I let myself go somewhere and scream out at whatever inane song is playing. So it should be interesting.

I think that maybe sometimes nothing happens for a reason. I�m concluded that I'm always running. I'm always chasing the next big thing. And I don't understand why I don't ever just stay still. And part of me thinks its because I would never know what I'd be missing if I did stay put. Which is a little childish, I know. But still, if time moves in definite moments that supposedly describe the path in which my life will take, then how rarely do I actually stop to examine that path that I take? Am I to believe that there are reasons to why all things happen, and if so should I evaluate the path I take in life as that of mine own making, or simply one in which I drift along with my eyes closed shut? And if I did indeed stop to weigh in moment�s that had passed before or were to pass in the future, would I then see all the never-ending crossroads which had shaped my life? And if, after seeing these choices, would I choose another path? I�m not sure at all anymore. What I�m scared is what if there is only one choice and all the other ones are wrong? What if there were signs along my way to pay attention to that I never did?

I tell myself that in the greater unknown of what if�s, and�s, or but�s, intelligence blooms in all things. Because even though shit happens we can still learn from it. When stuff happens I try to remind myself that I need to keep my mind open to the lessons it ends up giving me. But with all these accidents that have happened to me this past year (along with everyone else), I'm not sure whether they were intentional or not. And I realize that I don�t know what I want of myself or my life anymore. The only sure thing I do know of is that I want everything I should want at this time in my life. Which is a hell of a lot whichever way I go about it. Ergo I don�t know what I should want at this point in my life. Is it the life I am living now or the one I didn't choose? And if so, how do I know?

And you know what's worst? What's worst is that I feel incredibly selfish for wanting more out of my life now. After defining moments in my life this year I lost loved ones and my heart became broken. And so for me to seek or want anything better now is just lost on me. I have laughed and I'm sure I will laugh again but every time I do I get these pangs in my stomach, I used to think it was my soul. Like I shouldn't be laughing. Like I shouldn't be living on as I'm trying to do so. And I feel guilty for doing whatever I do every day and I feel guilty if I don't. And honestly I'm just fed up with it all. It's like a ticking time bomb I always manage to diffuse within minutes of it exploding. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend. I'm not happy and I don't know how to change this unhappiness. And I've realized it's not this city. I'm not boxed in New York City. It's not the world around me. It's me. It's what's inside of me now, not what's around. And I realize that. I just don't know how to change it right now. And I'm sure I will eventually, it's just that this period in time is tough. And I'm not quite sure how to handle it anymore. Denial was working great for me until it started building up. Now I feel as if I'm diffusing every couple of days. That's not normal, and I need it to change.

And I'm hoping change will come soon.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t