2002-05-29 | 10:27 a.m.

Sleeping on pins. I feel like that all the fucking time. And I wonder, when will this just all end?

I�m on this diet that doesn�t allow me to eat what the fuck I want. I�m basically starving myself. My doctor and mother try to cajole me into believing its good for my health. Secretly I know my mother wants me to be as thin as she�s always dreamed herself to be. Which is fucking starving myself. All for her sake, or for mine if you believe in what the doctor says. Apparently being 10 or 20 sizes smaller is �good� for me. I want to tell them up yours and just run away. But I always seem to run away from things I don�t want to deal with, so I�m not busting a move at all. Then again I don�t want to keep starving myself to conform to someone else�s beauty standards. Yes I know its about health but nothing says you can�t be healthy and big. The result of all of this is that every day I wake up and just wish I were dead. And that�s so stupid to say but it�s the truth.

I gave my co-worker friend her birthday bag of goodies today and from the looks of it she�s in birthday bliss. There was a lot of stuff and I think I might have gone a bit overboard but just watching her open all the stuff and almost squeal with joy put a smile on my face.

I went and got blood taken out of me this morning and now my arm hurts a lot. Every time I go they never find a good vein to drain the blood from. So they spend a good amount of time stabbing me with the damn needle. I know I�ll get a lovely purple bruise on my arm by the end of the day. Just what I need, a bruise on my arm to match the gross one on my knee. Nothing but good times really. I also fought with my mother before leaving the house. As I said before, nothing but good times.

And on that crappy note I�m out of here.



p r e v i o u s // n e x t