2002-05-31 | 3:21 p.m.

I watched the last episode of the X Files again last night, and I realized why I cry at the end. David Duchovny as Mulder say�s : �I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us. That they speak to us as part of something greater than us-- greater than any alien force. And if you and I are powerless now, I want to believe that if we listen to what's speaking, it can give us the power to save ourselves.�

I know that this was just a TV show. And we aren�t, thankfully, involved with any greater alien force that might attack us at a future point (that we know of at least). But the words �I want to believe that the dead are not lost to us, that they speak to us as part of something greater than us. That if we listen to what they�re speaking of, it can give us power to help save ourselves� are true. Because it�s not just poetic. Because it somehow mends a little of the wound I still have created by September 11th. I want to believe that.

A friend of mine last night over the phone asked me why I still feel antsy. Because she believes its over. That it will get sorted out in nice neat little packages and we don�t have to deal with it. And I was shocked she admitted that. I didn�t know what to tell her, because I don�t know what to tell myself. But it�s hard to describe something that affected each and every New Yorker. It�s easy to start demanding closure of yourself when your not around the area where the chaos occured. If your removed you can pray for the dead and start moving on. But if you live in the same city it�s hard. Because you weren�t here. You didn�t know how it felt to walk the streets with various people who were simultaneously just as shocked as you were because of the whole brutal ordeal. You weren�t here when you could smell death all over town. No matter where you tried to hide the smell would come to haunt you. It would waft into buildings when you thought you were safe away from it. You weren�t here when you then had to go back to whatever was considered normal but couldn�t so you put up a fa�ade because there was nothing left to do It�s easy to become detached if your not in the middle of it all. It�s just as easy to try to forget about it when you don�t have to go to funerals and wakes and watch people you loved, being buried into the ground when just a week or two before you were partying up with them at a bar. And I don�t know why I�m saying all of this now. Maybe I just want to believe that there is hope in the end. That somehow New York will return to what was considered normal, that the city will breathe again. Because now it feels as if she is taking small puffs of air and nothing else. I always feel like I�m stopping and starting back up again no matter how hard I try for that not to happen. I started a new job almost 6 months after I got laid off after September 11th. It�s a great job. Much better than what I was actually doing before. But at times I stop myself and try to pretend it all never happened. That I will be going to one of their barbecues this summer just as I did last summer and we will shoot the shit and pass beers around and talk about Brazilian football and make fun of each other. But it�s not happening. That�s as dead as they are. And it�s horrible to realize that. It�s horrible to realize how your life and everyone else�s life can change within a split second.

My mom told me last night that I�ve started to sleep walk again. Which is weird because I never remember it. It�s still bad that it�s started up again because it can become a dangerous thing.

Now that it�s summer my job does this switch in schedules. Apparently I get a 4 day week one week and on the next a regular week. Of course I have to stay in later or come in earlier the week I don�t get Friday off. I�m not complaining though. A Friday off in the NYC summer sounds good.

I got my 2 Alias CD�s from Gary Jr. today too. That�s always nice, to start your weekend with a gift. Well it�s actually something I bought from him but still he make�s amazing CD�s and the two I purchased are all the songs that have been played on Alias episodes 1 � 22. All the stuff is pretty good so I�m happy I bought it for myself.

I�m going out to dinner with co-worker friend today and her friend who is out of town visiting her. After I might meet up with Kwazyboy for some drinks too. It�s my day to cheat of the diet and I think a few drinks are in order. My headache hasn�t gone away and I haven�t drank anything so I might as well have a drink now and try to numb it out with some lovely gin and tonics. Such is life.

Later�



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