2002-06-03 | 1:08 a.m.

I don't sleep. In these last months there have only been a handful of days when I was able to truly sleep. Those were the nights when I ingested a sleeping pill. Nightmares haunt me with various visions of terrible things. Too often, my sleep is interrupted by the knowledge that things have happened, friends have gone and honestly I'm not as safe as I ever thought I was. Guilt keeps me awake more than ever now. Guilt to be still living. Guilt that I seldom cry or show emotions, guilty that I want to find my closure and feeling guilty for actually trying to seek it. As of late, it's been the deafening sound of silence that stole the refuge of my sleep away. Because within the white noise I could try to hide, but now, now even that is gone.

I am not more dead than alive when I lost my friends. They were never vital to my existence such as food or air or water. And yet why does it feel as if everything that I am, every thought that I have, every breath that I take is completely foreign because it is not continued within their presence? I tell myself that I can survive any loss as long as I remain strong. But the thing is, how can one remain strong if it seems as if anyone I encounter seems to eventually fade away from me? The story of my life always seems to be the same no matter how hard I try. People always seem to go, and I always stay. And I wonder when it will all change, because from where I stand I don't see change at all, and it's so sad and tragic at the same bloody time.

Unnerved. That's what I am. I think that's the word. I'm filled with a sense of foreboding. The warnings I read in the newspaper or see on TV don't tell me anything I don't already know. And yet I'm still terrified. Waiting for that other shoe to drop. And not hoping for it to happen, but praying that it won't be as bad as the first that did. I have friends & family who believe that the worst is over. But in my mind, I find it difficult to suppress any feelings of the horror that may be on it's way. Everyone believes that we have more security now, but if you turn on your local TV or pick up a paper you know that isn't the case. One can pretend, but for how long? I'm not sure what to do about all these feelings anymore. Denial used to be working for me before but it's just not cutting it anymore.

My day was spent in bed and my night was spent crying because of the New York Times articles I've been putting off reading. The accounts are horrible and I'm not quite sure how I made it through all of them. I did and now I wish I hadn't. I feel as if my heart is in my throat.

I can't believe it's June already. In 2 weeks I will be 26 years old. I should be married by now. Hell I should have an idea for what career I actually want to do. And yet nothing comes to mind. All I plan on doing is living it all a day at a time and hoping for the best. I have no grand dreams anymore. I cover my ass and do what I have to do. At this age I was hoping to have found a soul mate or a career by now. Having found neither I plan on nothing for the rest of my life. Plans are made to be thrown out, and clearly in my frame of mine now a days I don't think I know what to plan for.

I'm going to bed. My headache has been throbbing all day and I reckon trying to get to sleep would be a good thing since I have to be up at 6 am tomorrow morning. I'm out.



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